moesha's meanderings

2008-01-25T15:34:00.001-08:00

Didn't Matter

I thought it would matter. I didn't think that you would look at me the same way, after you found out how or who I used to be. But I knew that I had to tell you now. Before it got to be five years down the road and something slipped that I hadn't told you. Because really, there is no one else that would have told you. No one else here knows. How I used to go out to parties on the weekend, or to band parties. That my friends like to get me drunk because I was the funny one that liked to spout random facts of information or build beer pyramids. How I used to do these things and not thinking anything about it. Because everyone did. Or so I thought. Until I met you.

But it didn't matter. You were curious as to why. But you were really only concerned with if I still did it. Which you already knew that I don't. Except for the occasional glass of wine every few months or six. You were glad that I told you. It is an important part of what makes me who I am. But you kind of already knew what to expect. And so who I used to be doesn't matter to you. Because you know me now. Which makes me like you even more.

2007-12-25T05:51:00.000-08:00

Mama Says I Have to Like Them

My sisters. I'm beginning to realize that what they say about how you get closer to your siblings as you get older is true. If you have asked me about my sisters when I was five, I probably would have something like: Dey's mean to me. Bef makes me do my chores and Becca scares me at night by hanging over the side of the bed and making weird faces. (I wasn't a very articulate five-year-old, but when your mama stills says "shocolate ships" for chocolate chips, what more do you expect?)

If you had asked me when I was 12, there probably wouldn't have been many more words: Well, Beth's real smart and Rebecca swims pretty fast. Beth's at school in Atlanta now and Rebecca gets to drive me everywhere, but that's okay, because we sometimes listen to fun music and go buy new cds to listen to.

By 15, I was entering that stage where you're cool to have older siblings that were in college or beyond: My sisters are kind of cool. I don't see them much, but that's okay, they bring me stuff occasionally.

At 18, I was getting a little better about trusting my sisters: My sisters are always complaining that I spend too much money,but they have told me that they would bail me out of jail if I ever needed it, and that way I wouldn't have to ever tell mama and daddy. (And yeah, okay, I did probably spend too much money, but I never had to have them bail me out of jail.)

I am now beginning to realize at 24, that my sisters are probably the best friends that I will ever have. They know everything that I've been through to get to where I am. They can give me advice or will just call because they are bored, on the drive home from somewhere stuck in traffic. But that's okay, they still ask about what's going on with me.

So even though, they still sit on top of me...will still threaten to poot on your head, and possibly follow through if you let them...punch you...try to hold your hand...tell mama things that you've done....make fun of boys that you like....and even give you a hickey, I'll still take them. I'll still call them for advice, or just because I'm bored, or new clothes, or to talk about the night before. Because I know that they will always be there, or will at least call back..eventually. Even if it is because mama said we have to like each other.

Note: I'm stuck in the airport...on Christmas day.... for five hours...and it sucks! Good thing I didn't wake up before 4am so I could be at home for most of the day. Grrr...!

2007-12-09T20:38:00.001-08:00

Do Over

If I could have any day to do over again, I think I would choose today. Today has been one of the best days I have had in a very long time. Today I actually felt like myself, and relaxed, without all the anxiety and longing that I've recently felt.

I woke up in kind of a surreal moment, not really sure if Saturday night had actually happened or not. I watched probably 3 ABC Family movies today. I went to a nature conservatory with two friends and walked through the snow. I never knew snow covered trees could actually look like they do in movies. We walked one of my friend's dog, which made my roommate happy. We took pictures and, for the first time in probably years, I liked a picture of myself. I stepped out of my box and tried something I never thought I'd ever do (went cross-country skiing.) I finished Christmas shopping, well almost finished. I cleaned up my mess that had been building up all week, including the 7 pairs of shoes at the front door. I washed and folded my clothes. I even went to the grocery store and remembered to take the canned sodas out of my car before they exploded.

So I woke up smiling, hung out with people that I like without any pressure to be someone else, I tired something new, got exercise without even trying to, caught up on all the things I'd been putting off. But best of all, I was relaxed the entire day.

There's only one thing that I might consider not redoing: falling down three times while skiing....no, actually I wouldn't change that either. I kind of liked being helped up.

2007-11-28T16:51:00.000-08:00

No Poisoned Needles for Me

For some reason, yesterday I had conversations that were relatively similar: one at work, and the other at home. The conversation at home was when the new Scope commercial came on (the one where the girl gets on the bus and smiles at the boy at the back of the bus, and fireworks start going off around his head and continue going off even when she gets closer.) Jessica kind of laughed and told me when that commercial came one while she was at home, her dad looked at her brother and said "Philip, that doesn't really happen." The second conversation occurred at work where one of my co-workers has decided that she is going to continues to travel to different places because she is determined that she is going to find the man of her dreams by some strange coincidence, like missing a plane or bumping into him on a train or stepping on his toe in line to get a ticket to go parachuting or something wildly outrageous like that. My co-worker is determined that her future love is going to be love-at-first-sight. She also decided that I should travel to lots of new places for the same reason.

Fifteen years ago, I would have said, "Great! That's awesome! Of course I'm going to meet my prince charming in some romantic way that I will be the envy of all my friends and so that my children will want to hear the story every night before they fall asleep." But that was fifteen years ago, or there abouts. And I realized yesterday that I want something different. Not to say that if something magical, love-at-first-sight, fireworks-go-off sort of thing does happen, I'll just brush it away. I'd take it and hopefully it would develop into something more. But I realized yesterday that I'd rather have a warm blanket, or a cozy fire over fireworks any day.

I would rather have someone that just makes me smile just by walking in the room. Someone that when I see them, I want to walk up to them and hold their hand or snuggle up to them, with no explanation needed. Someone that it's hard to stay mad at, not to say that I probably won't get mad at them at times. Someone that just makes you feel comfortable about who you are.

Sparks fade. There are days that I don't look good...at all...especially in the morning. There are days that I want to wear my pajamas all day long and not wash yesterday's make-up off my face even though the mascara is giving me 2-inches circles under my eyes. Fireworks probably will not be going off around his head on those days. But to be comfortable with someone means that those days are okay. Those days mean that I like you enough to truly be who I am.

So no, I don't really want to be the girl on the bus in the Scope commercial. I don't really want to be Sleeping Beauty and wait for my prince to come rescue me...well, okay, that whole getting stuck by a poisoned needle kind of did that in for me. I want the person that will wrap me in his arms and let me know that everything is okay. Like a big fluffy blanket in front of a fireplace when it's snowing outside.

2007-11-14T10:08:00.000-08:00

Party in the Dressing Room

I can wear clothes from the Gap again! Woohoo! Party in the dressing room! Next stop, Ann Taylor....

2007-10-25T10:15:00.000-07:00

Mysterious Ways

You are taught as a Christian that "God works in mysterious ways." And you think, sure, sure, He causes there to be fires to encourage new growth in the forest, and He does several things to keep the world okay, but do you ever think about how He does this on a personal level? I mean, in your everyday life? I don't usually, but this week was a little different.

After working any weekend, I have two days off either before or after that weekend. And most of the time, those two days I'm bored and go shopping far too much to try to make up for it, because everyone else I know is off working a normal 9-5 schedule and have regular things that they do every week.

The last two days I had off during the week I was not only bored but also slightly anxious. I was waiting from a reply to an e-mail...and yes, it was a reply from a boy. But nothing came. Nothing came Monday. And nothing was coming Tuesday. So being the typical, self-conscious boy-crazy girl that I tend to be, I started having a pity party.

Poor me...he doesn't like me....I'm never going to find anyone....I might as well go join the nuns on Assisi Heights now....why can't I lose weight faster, because then everything would work out fine....it's because I'm too pushy....it's because Beth got all the boobs in the family. Grrr....

When it was probably because he just hadn't checked his e-mail in a few days. I'm learning that boys do that.

So after having my pity party for a little while...well, okay, maybe two hours, I decided that I was being retarded and just needed to get out of the apartment which I hadn't done all day. And besides the movie Meet the Robinsons had just come out and a Disney movie always makes things better..oh, and I had enough points left for the day that I could get Chipotle on the way home, which rarely ever happens. So I went to Target and for some reason I chose to go to the new Target which is slightly further away that the older Target.

It was at Target that I realized that God works and mysterious ways...and must have a sense of humor. Because while still in my slightly pity-party mood, I came across a high schooler and his mother.....a high schooler that started checking me out and tried to flirt with me. Yep, I was checked out by a 15 year old. Which made me laugh, but surprisingly did cheer me up because I'm not the type of person that gets checked out that often.

That's how God worked in a mysterious way to say, hey, it's not you...you're perfect just the way I made you... there is a plan for you... so cheer up and get over yourself. But I still like to think that He was laughing at His great plan with a kind of eye-roll kind of laugh. Hey, you get what you asked for...it cheered you up.

2007-09-28T21:15:00.000-07:00

Uncomfortable

Tonight I lost it. I blew up. Well, not so much as blew, more of threw a hissy fit. And I don't like throwing hissy fits. Wait, I take that back, since my sisters read this. I don't mind throwing hissy fits at home when my sisters cause them or when it's just to annoy them. Besides, I'm the baby, that's what we're suppose to do. But I don't like throwing hissy fits in a place where I am suppose to be professional. But when someone pushes you to where you are extremely uncomfortable, what are you suppose to do.

You see this person that I work with just makes me uncomfortable. Possibly because he doesn't grasp the concept of personal space. Possibly because he likes to lean right up against you. Possibly because he will go to dinner slightly after I do and sit with me, when all I want to do is sit there and read my book and be anti-social in the 30 minutes that I have to myself in the entire eight and a half hour stretch. Possible because it feels like he's hitting on you everyday even though he's married. But it's mostly the personal bubble.

Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind some, people invading my personal bubble, and when I say some I mean very few. But people that I work with and deal with in a professional manner are not in that few. I don't quite understand why people think that I'm a touchy-feely person. Maybe they think that southeners are touchy-feely or maybe it's because I'm Christian. I have actually had someone tell me to give them a hug because I am a Christian and "Christians like to hug people." News Flash: I AM NOT A TOUCHY-FEELY PERSON! I LIKE MY PERSONAL BUBBLE!!!

So I lost it. Just briefly. And I'm not sorry I did. Because no one invaded my personal space the rest of the night. I am glad that our lead tech was not there at the time, though. I just don't want to do it again.

2007-09-21T09:01:00.000-07:00

50 Confessions

1. I have Hanson on my ipod
2. And can still sing half the words to Um Bop
3. And my dance and song rendition of Um Bop makes my roommate laugh
4. I like to ride with the windows down
5. So I can sing with the radio
6. Really, really loudly
7. That's why my radio is always so loud when you get in the car
8. And the reason why I think I blew out speakers in my first two cars
9. When people pull up next to me in traffic, I serenade them
10. Unless their window is down
11. Then I look at them like they're crazy thinking I'd be singing when the radio. Crazy!
12. I don't know all the words to most songs
13. So I make them up
14. I used to hate to read
15. I now buy an average of 3 books every month and a half
16. Antibody panels excite me
17. So much, that I want to go pull one out of our refrigerator at work and do one
18. Traumas make my adrenaline go
19. Unless there's something protruding from somewhere there shouldn't be
20. Then that makes my stomach go
21. I'm afraid of needles
22. But only when they're sticking out of someone
23. I like to watch Discovery shows about weird medical things
24. I imagine what our patients look like
25. My favorite one to imagine is a big Hawaiian looking man
26. In a lounge chair and Hawaiian print shirt and surfer shorts
27. With a drink in a coconut with an umbrella
28. Or a little old lady, knitting
29. I like to grin like I know something that you don't
30. Half the time I don't even know what's going on or what you said
31. I want to grow up to be Ina Garten
32. With my very own Jeffery
33. I watch too much Food Network
34. I buy a bag of candy for one piece
35. And then never finish the rest
36. I talk in my sleep
37. I still sleep with a teddy bear
38. Named JB
39. I like to wear colorful socks
40. But only when I have to wear socks
41. I would go barefoot all year if I wasn't afraid of my toes freezing off
42. Or afraid of contracting a fungal disease
43. Or I didn't mind getting weird looks from people
44. I would quit my job and open a bakery
45. But only if I was married to someone rich to support me
46. I like to mix things with my hands
47. I don't believe than Sandra Lee ever eats anything that she cooks
48. I have to go take a shower to go to work now
49. Even though I don't want to
50. Because this is my seventh straight day of work

2007-08-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

FA (foodaholics anonymous)

I am not the smallest person in the world, nor do I want to be. But I did decide that something finally needed to be done, and I had to do it for myself. I started out with the reasoning that I just wanted to be able to like the pictures that from my sister's upcoming wedding, but that quickly changed. So I joined Weight Watchers. After years of trying to do it on my own or with a doctor that I don't think has ever been even to the upper region of her ideal weight or even with a trainer, I decided 'why not? it's worked for my sister.' And it has worked (well up until my birthday yesterday where I ate too much and had more cupcakes (yes, with an 's') than I should have which I justified because I did have to go to work on my birthday). I have lost slightly over 45 pounds in about 18 weeks, gone down three pants sizes, and drove the lady doing my bridesmaid dress alteration crazy when I came in every two weeks or so and the dress would be more loose than what she had fit it for.

Well, in July, two of my friends from college came up to see me. We started talking about the fact that I had joined weight watchers and Rebecca mentioned that she once went to a meeting with her mom and she felt like it was "an AA meeting where people over-weight people talked about food" (not a direct quote but you get the point.) Now, Rebecca is one of those people that's going to grow up to be an old lady and people that see her walk down the street are going to go 'look at that cute little old lady'; she is 5 foot 3 or 4, and is probably lucky to weigh 115 pounds after she eats an eight course meal. And her mother is almost as small as she is, so what they were doing going to a weight watchers meeting is a mystery.

But what she said has had me thinking for the last month. And she's right... it is exactly like an AA meeting about food instead of alcohol. For a lot of over-weight people, food is their addiction. Whenever they're sad, they eat... happy, they eat... bored, they eat... angry, they eat... frustrated, they eat... stressed, they eat. Food is their comfort, their friend, their celebration. You name it and food can probably fit any situation. This is present company included... it used to be true anyways. So weight watchers is exactly like AA, it helps you find another outlet for how you deal with different situations. And they also talk about other, healthier options. So yes, I am a foodaholic, but I'm okay with that because I am now getting it under control (with the exceptions on birthdays :o) )

2007-08-03T20:07:00.000-07:00

Flirt

I am tired of flirting. I am tired of not knowing if there might be something similar on the other end. I'm tired of leaving tiny hints, at least I think they're hints, maybe they're not obvious enough. But then again if there are no reciprocal feelings I don't want to too blunt and ruin what could be a perfectly good friendship. You remember random things that other people don't, like how I really missed daffodils in March and so you showed me the ones you had grown a month later, and that I really like tomatoes and so you tell me when they're actually growing, that all my plants die, well okay most people know that one. You remember when I work weekends even though I haven't said anything for an entire week; my roommate doesn't even do that until I'm walking out the door on Saturday afternoon. Just get over being shy and ask me to go somewhere, a movie, dinner, free concert in the park... I don't really care. Would it help if I told you that I would say yes if you ask me out? Because then that whole fear of rejection problem is ruled out.

Patience might be a virtue but it sure does suck sometimes. I know there's a plan for my life that only God knows and sometimes I feel like I should be perfectly content with living a life of a single female for the rest of my life (maybe without the cats). I mean, it's not like my life is hard. I work at a job that I thoroughly enjoy, minus the usually work crap that happens everywhere, and I'm good at it and it pays really well for being right out of college. I don't necessarily need anyone else to support me. And I have friends, quite a few of them, in several different places. But some days I just want a guy to walk up to the front door with a bunch daffodils and daisies and say "Hey, I'm the one that you're suppose to spend the rest of your life with. Let's get married." And my response would be "Tonight or a short engagement?" And we'd live happily ever after. Or as my friend's student once said "Aplieverater" (or something like that.)

This kind of reminds me of the saying someone found written on a wooden railing or deck somewhere: "My knight in shining armor turned out to be a jerk in aluminum foil."

2007-06-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

Image of God

So I am currently in a Bible study. (You know when people used to tell you that you change when you grow up, well, it's true, you do, even if it's just slightly.) Anyways.. in this Bible study we are studying what holy really means and what it means when they say 'God is holy'. So one of the lessons we were suppose to write down our image of God, who or what we think He is and looks like and sits like and .... so on.

So it made me wonder, does God laugh at us when we do stupid things? Does He have a sense of humor? I mean, we're taught that we are made in His image, and we have humor. We are taught about the WRATH OF GOD and God's mercy and His fatherly affection and His love and all that good stuff that we need.... but does He laugh at us when we stumble? I'm not talking about really big things like murdering someone or worshipping false idols or something really bad that incur the WRATH OF GOD (yes, I hear it in my head as a big booming voice that would impose fear into anyone when they heard it.) I'm talking about goofy things: like when you fall down the stairs and aren't seriously hurt, or you're talking to someone that would like to date and you say something stupid. Things that you would laugh at yourself for doing.

I hope so. I hope He sits up there in His throne with His feet propped up going "Ohhhh... man, I bet that last stair hurt. HA!" Or, "I tried to tell you not to say that. I tried to warn you that would come out as dorky. NERD! HA!" I mean, I know He doesn't want us to get hurt or to start following worldly ideals or anything else that would go against His doctrine, but when we do something clumsy that doesn't hurt us, like when we fall and start laughing. It makes me laugh to think when I do stupid things to know that God is there watching (because we're told that He is everywhere and knows everything) and laughing that I just busted my butt on a patch of ice. HA!

2006-11-03T14:06:00.000-08:00

Crazy Lady on a Bus

So this week hasn't been the best week ever. Not really bad, because it could have been worse; but it was just annoying. I burnt my finger with hot grease, a pair of my pants got a hole in them while I was at work, I'm still training so I still have someone watching me over my shoulder, I got trapped in my apartment complex and was late for a meeting, etc. And so this annoying week has just made me tired. But these people from the singles group at church are going to see a band play tonight and several people have invited me and asked me to come. I kept putting them off because I'm tired and don't really want to go anywhere and was just in an overall annoyed mood and I need to clean a little before mama and daddy come up tomorrow. But then again, I know that I need to go and be social because I don't know that many people up here yet and I know that if I don't go now, I'm more likely to not go in the future and then I won't meet anyone and I'll become a hermit, or the crazy old lady down the road. So the bus ride home kind of made up my mind for me.

As I was getting on the bus, another lady was walking towards it too. I offered to let her get on first, because she looked a little older and looked like she might be have trouble standing for a long time and looked like she was freezing. Well, she thanked me and said something about the weather, because when the weather channel says it's going to be 60 in a few days, people start talking. Well, I made a comment of 'yeah, it's been cold; but I just moved up here from Georgia and so I'm always cold." Thinking a slight little comment about the weather and then our conversation would be over. But, oh no. She goes into this whole spill about her boyfriend from Florida and her brother and sister and father, and then about how bad her social worker was and how she hurt her knee and how she wasn't on drugs and how they called the cops on her. I'm thinking this lady is nuts. I also thought that she would stop talking once other people got on the bus, but no, wrong again. She talked the entire 20 minute bus ride. I know all about this womans life and her future and hopes and dreams and I don't even know her name. And people on the bus keep looking at me like 'I can't believe she's telling you all this' and we weren't even in seats next to each other.

I realized that this lady just need someone to talk to, so I listened; I didn't say anything, because it was obvious that she just needed someone to listen to her. She taught me a lesson, whether she realized it or not; she taught me to be social and get out there and do things involving other people even when you're tired. Because I don't want to be that crazy lady on the bus in 30 years. I want to have people that I can share things with and have that person to person interaction on a weekly basis.I don't want to have to ramble to people on the public bus just because I don't know anyone to have that interaction with. Yes, I have several people that I can call on the phone, but you don't have those facial expressions and visual cues. So here I go tonight... to hear this band... tired, with my hurt fingers and all... I might fall asleep in the middle of it, but at least I'll be being social.

* side note: At the stop before me, I think a guy that got on had a peg leg and he kind of looked like a pirate. I kid you not; if he had had an eye patch on I would have found it tempting to go "Arg, matey!"

2006-10-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

Minnesota Nice vs. Southern Hospitality

The other day we went to lunch with a family that Jessica goes to church with and the wife mentioned how nice people were up here; they call it "Minnesota Nice." She is also from Alabama, although she hasn't lived there for a while, and so she knows about southern hospitality. She went on to talk about how nice people are up here and how they go above and beyond whenever you ask them a favor. Now, don't get me wrong, the people up here are extremely nice, but I had to ask a southerner or a minnesotian (if it's a word) a favor, I'd choose the southerner any day.

The thing would be people in Minnesota will do anything for you, but you almost have to know them before you could even ask. In the south, if anyone even thought you needed anything, they'd do it before you could even ask. Take for example someone dropping papers: in Georgia the first person to see you would stop what they were doing to help you pick them up; in Minnesota, maybe the fifth person might stop or the first person that knew you. The other day I was walking from the bus to work and passed about 20 people and maybe one person looked me in the eye to say good morning; at home I would have said good morning at least 15 times. It is a rare occurrence when someone holds the door open for me. So even though people up here in Minnesota are nice, they've got nothing on a southerner.

* side note: a few of the people I work with have to ask me to repeat myself two or three times because they have trouble understanding my "slight accent"

2006-10-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

Hicky On Your Arm

I figured out the best way to get packages in the mail is to move really far away. I received a package from my sister, Beth. In the package was the cds for my computer, my sunglasses, stationary sets, a blue pokka dot head band, and a note. In the note she said she missed me in a "I-want-to-give-you-a-hicky-on-your-arm-sort of way." It's one of those moments where you just shake you head because you can't really explain it.

To explain the "hicky-on-your-arm comment, goes back to when I was 13. My daddy was taking my sister, Rebecca, and me to camp, like he did almost every summer. And like most summers we got there early. So while we were waiting for the camp director to get there, Rebecca decided that she wanted to suck on my cheek. Yes, I know it sounds weird but she had done it a lot on my arm before then and nothing had happened and I was 12 and didn't know what a hicky was and even if I had said no then she would have just done it anyways. And yes, it is weird. Well this time she gave me a hicky, on my cheek, right before camp started. So through the whole camp they called me 'hicky girl'. Needless to say neither one of sisters has ever been allowed to suck on any of my body parts since, despite much trying.

So as you can tell my sisters and I are really close, which can mean that we don't get mad at each other very often but when we do it can be pretty bad. My aunt usually fuses at us whenever our entire family goes out, "people will think that you're a couple if you hold hands like that!" If people can't tell that we're related, then they can't see that we're holding hands. So if someone tells you they miss you in a "hicky-on-your-arm-sort of way" take it as a compliment.

* I also got a package from my dad this week that said "Sorry I tried to put grits in here but they kept spilling and looking like anthrax pellets. Two things came to mind when I read it: 1) Ha! That's pretty funny, even for daddy. 2) How does he know what anthrax pellets look like?

2006-07-24T16:43:00.000-07:00

Grown-up Decisions

In exactly one month from today, I will turn 23. For most people (other than my friends that are still at Auburn), I'm still very young and the people at the hospital I did my internship at reminded me of that every day. I am the second youngest in my class and people are surprised that I'm about to be let loose in the real world to help save peoples lives (it frightens me sometimes too!) But sooner than my birthday is my final undergraduate graduation and my board of registry exam. Am I ready for it right at this moment? No, probably not. Will I be ready for it in a week and a half when I'm suppose to take it? I think so, but keep praying none-the-less. But if you subtract preparing for the comprehensive final and the board and all the worries that come with the possibilities of not passing either one and just have wasted the last five years of you life (so melodramatic), there's still a big decision to be made..... well, not so much for me, but for some of my friends. So you've got two diplomas, a certificate of clinical experience completion, and a license saying that you probably won't kill anyone if you run their tests, so what? What are you going to do next? Get a job? Where? What section? What schedule? Working holidays?

For me, these answers came easily. I had one interview... just one.... one day... one hour at probably the best opportunity that I would have for a very long time. And I was offered a job..... in Transfusion Medicine, or Glorified Bloodbanking.... which I LOVE FYI..... at the Mayo Clinic. Needless to say, I accepted it, but there was a momentary period of doubt. I was accepting a job that is 19 hours or more away from everything that I know. 19 hours away from southern football games.
19 hours away from my best friend that is truly the only one that gets me, which at times I'm not completely sure she understands either. 19 hours away from hot summer days and rainy afternoons.
19 hours away from my mama and the her random cold medicines.
19 hours away from my daddy telling me my cars making a weird noise.
19 hours away from the entire town shutting down because the is a possibility that one bridge in the southwest corner of the county could acquire one patch of ice that will probably melt by noon.
But I took the job, because I know that even though these things are so far away from me, they'll still be there for me to come home too whenever I feel lonely. I had to be a little selfish and think about what was best for my future and the things that I wanted to do. Sure I'm still a little scared about going somewhere the I know no one, but I'll meet people (besides, everyone's going to want to hang out with me and my southern accent.) And I am a little scared that I might not be smart enough for the job, but you can only learn by trying. There might not be another time in my life when I can go anywhere in the world (well, I'll say in the country, so mama won't have an anxiety attack), and not worry about how it's going to affect someone else. My family will always be there and Cynthia, well she no longer has a choice of getting rid of me. I am single, I am young, and I don't even have any big furniture to move. So why not?

I want to say to my friend that I having issues with deciding where to work, GO! Go somewhere away from your hometown. Go to the best opportunity. If someone tries to restrict you with a deadline before you've seen all the options, then pass them by, because they know that you'll probably have a better opportunity than they're offering. Stop restricting yourself by worrying about if your going to hurt someone's feelings; you don't have anyone's feelings to really hurt. Just make a decisions; whether it is to turn don't he jobs that are trying to pressure you into something you're not too sure about or it's to accept the job. Just go and do something. You have reached the point where it's time to make that decision. You've actually put it off a year by having an internship. But now's the time, take the best opportunity for you, don't worry about anyone else because they're not going to face the consequences of your choices in the future. Here's your big chance.. decide.

2006-05-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

Who knew?

I have officially pasted my half-way point into my internship. Yes, in 14 more weeks, I will be eligible to take a registry and then I can, and will, write letters after my name that says "HEY LOOK AT ME AND HOW SMART I AM!!!!" But the other day, mama and I were discussing how my three tests I just took went and what my next rotation was going to be (blood bank: my favorite.) And she said "Who knew?" But really, who knew there were people that stored blood and gave it to patients in a more strict manor than any perscription that was protected almost better than money. Who knew that you could look at cells under a microscope and tell if a person has cancer or not, and who knew that I'd ever be able to do that. Who knew, that when my sister is concerned that her doctor really is a quack by trying to diagnosis her because she stinks, that they would have to ask me if you can smell strep (and yes, you can.. it kind of smells like wet hay.) No one in my family knew what a medical technologist was before now; and there are multiple people in the medical field in my family. Even though, I'm pretty sure at least three of them still think that I'm becoming a specialty nurse. But this past week I found myseld in a situation where I can look back and think, " well I'm glad that somebody knew."

Last week, was my last week in hematology where they diagnosis leukemia and run other blood tests. Late wednesday afternoon, the supervisor and assistant supervisor were reviewing slides like they do every day at the end of the day and they came across a slide from a 4-year-old. They were a little shocked at how immature the cells were on the slide, so they called the child's physician. The physician is an excellent doctor that really does pay attention to blood work but since he didn't see the slide, just the information that the machine sent out, he thought the child only had a cold or infection of some sort. But when the doctor saw the slide, he ordered a bone marrow biopsy, which is a really big deal for a 4-year-old. From the bone marrow biopsy, we were able to diagnosis this 4-year-old kid with acute lymphocytic leukemia (ALL) of the B-cell lineage. I was really excited to see such an interesting case in my sort internship but also kind of wanted to cry because this was a 4-year-old. But my supervisor assured me that since this was a B-cell lineage which was a good prognosis (well, as good a prognosis as ALL can get.)

Who knew that I, even though I only added small amounts to the reaction in one step in diagnosis, could help catch a disease before it was too late and give a child a possiblity at a normal life.

2006-01-02T16:30:00.000-08:00

Six Sides

When I was little, my mama used to say the she had three sides, one for each of her daughters: a right, a left, and a lap. I think it was her way of saying she's always there for all three of us, like she's able to be in more than one places at once. But what happens when you need more than three sides because you want to be in more than three places at the same time?

This weekend, I spent new year's in Birmingham with a few of my friends. All of us graduated this year, meaning we all went in different directions. I realized this weekend that I had successfully avoided the problem of where I'm going to spend my first years after college; don't you just love year long internship. But then it dawned on me that in 8 months I'll be moving somewhere with a real job, unless something truly tragic happens. Here are a few of my choices and the pros to them:

Atlanta
- I could live with my sisters, which would be fun and probably a surprise a minute. (my sisters and I get along surprisingly well) Atlanta would have more opportunities to see more interesting things and closer to the CDC, which would be my dream job location.

LaGrange/ Columbus
- I would probably rent an apartment even though it's still home. My family is here and my best friend (even though she does want to move at some point in time.) Cynthia would be the biggest pull for this one. And the place you do your internship usually does offer you a job (watch that comment come to bite me later)

Mobile
- I have a lot of camp friends down in this area. I would love to get involved with the youth in the church in Mobile, since I was their camp counselor or at least their lifeguard for a lot of summers. My grandparents are also in Mobile.

Birmingham
- I have liked the city ever since I first went there four years ago. I like that it's a city but there's still a lot of trees so it doesn't look so big. And I love the mountains. I also have a lot of friends from Auburn that now live in Birmingham, and I loved hanging out with them so much this weekend.

Somewhere more north
- I've always wanted to live somewhere where it snows. And if I go to Baltimore or D.C. I'd bee closer to getting to a Blood Banking program with John Hopkins or the NIH. And I really want to get my SBB (unless that changes in the next 6 months)

A traveling Job
- I'd like to travel and it would be a good time to do it before I get settled and while I'm still young. Much to my parent's dismay, I'm sure, I'd love to travel over-seas with something like the Peace Corp. or just something really neat.

But I think I'm ready to face this decision now, more than I was four months ago. But I guess the first step would be to start applying for jobs. And I guess well find out which side wins out in 8 months if not sooner.

2006-01-02T16:01:00.000-08:00

Oak Trees In the Ocean

For the past month, I have been reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Taking into consideration that I'm a slower reader and only read when I was in bed, I recently got through the part where the John Galt Line made it's first departure. Up to the point the entire country seemed to just be giving up and giving into the powers that are in charge and never really succeeding at anything; Except for Dagny Taggart who has brought the family train company from lack of destruction. She persevered through all of the doubt and dismay and all around destruction.

It just so happened that as I was reading this part of Atlas Shrugged, where Dagny succeeded and proved her brother and many others wrong, when I made a trip to Pass Christian, Mississippi to help with the rebuilding from the destruction of Katrina. The situation reminded my of Atlas Shrugged. So many people are in dismay about the storms and don't know what to do next with the rebuilding. Many are at the point of just giving up and never trying to rebuild there beautiful city. I've often heard that they just shouldn't build down on the coast (which I probably agreed with until this trip). But even though there's a lot of people willing to give up, there are still a few that are determined to work to rebuild their beautiful city. It made me wonder what this world would be more like the Dagny Taggart's on the Gulf Coast that are striving to succeed at something that many others say is impossible. And, yes, much like the long time that it took me to read the 100 pages about building the railroad, rebuilding the towns in Mississippi and Louisiana will not be a short process and may even take years to accomplish, but it can be done.

2005-10-12T18:06:00.000-07:00

Champion

I frequently make calls on my way home from school, since my cell phone doesn't work at my aunt and uncle's house and it's a hour and a half of every day in which you can only sing to the radio for so long until you're bored. So most of the time I call my best friend, Cynthia. One, she'll let me complain about people but I doubt she's really listening then because shs always tends to be doing something else (driving, changing clothes, nailing holes in her wall). Two, even though I call her swallow for them, she always has funny little tid-bits about people the have e-mailed her, called her, she saw someone that resembled them, dreamed about them, or this person said something about that person while that person was commenting on that girl who likes this guy. ( I like mentally refer to Cynthia as my contact that keeps me in touch with the public (or grounded to earth and not mars), because if she didn't tell me these things I'd isolate myself in lab or a kitchen and loose touch with everyone I've met in the past four years. Oh, and become that weird lady with cats.) Three, she doesn't think I'm weird, well, okay maybe she does but in a funny, tolerable weird; not an oh-my-gosh-can't-hang-around-hear-or-we'll-get-weird-cooties weird. Four, she lets me win most petty arguments; it comes from the gift of being the youngest of three girls. So this last reason is beginning to come in handy. Recently, every conversation I have with Cynthia has been turning into a game of "Who Should Get the Pity Today?". The way it works is by one of us splurting out one thing makes our respect situation pitiful, and then the next person goes, and it goes back and forth until one of us gives up, or really does feel more sorry for the other. You've really got the advantage if you can get out like three in a row. So here's what they mainly consist of:

Cynthia's Argument:
* I live at home, with my parents who occasionally drive me insane
* I eat lunch with my mom everyday (which she loses because her mom also buys, and I would love to have lunch with my mom everyday)
* I work in the most boring city in the world and live in the smallest
* The only cute guys that I see are frat boys who are probably only 18
* Chick-fill-A has been closed for two weeks so I can't get breakfast (which she's going to lose because the drive-through is open again, so her goal of clogging her arteries before she's 35 is back on schedule)
* All of my friends all live at least an least an hour away
* Everyone in Birmingham gets to go out with each other at least once a week and I don't have anyone to go anywhere with or anywhere to go (well, actually I don't either, but I'm not really complaining about that)
* I never hear any of the good gossip anymore, like who likes Justin now
* I have to wear a suit or dress up and wear heels forty hours a week (she won this point)
* I'm only attracted to guys that look like future presidents and care too much about themselves... oh and they have to play golf (haha, okay that one was mostly an embellishment on my part, put pretty funny if you could picture her reaction to it right now.)

My Argument:
* I live so far out that I don't get cell phone service within three miles of the house
* I only see my aunt and uncle about 3 days every two weeks
* There's a spoiled, old miniature dog and I'm a cat person
* There are a total of three fast-food restaurants in town, and they're fifteen minutes away over the bridge, that's how small Tallassee is.
* I go to school about forty hours a week and then have to come home and study about three hours every night
* I have at least one test, if not two or three, every Friday that are at least 100 questions long
* I'm still in school
* I drive 45 mins to-and-from class everyday
* I see the same thirteen people everyday (except saturday and sunday) in the same tiny classroom; now, you tell me if there wouldn't be some conflicts between at least some of us
* In four months, I have NO idea where I'll be living or working because our program director won't tell us
* I joined a gym and worked out like you're suppose to and didn't lose a thing, I even dieted pretty well for part of it (Cynthia's one of those people that all she eats is chicken finger and fries and never exercises but she'll lose five pounds in two months; I'm waiting for it to all catch up to her)
* I have no prospects for a date because they're all dating someone or they don't meet my standards (I tend to be kind of picky... oh, and my first cat's name is going to be Frederick and the second will be Jasmine)
* I look through a microscope everyday at things that normal people find disgusting ( I find them kind of intriguing)
* I can't grow plants, but I can sure grow bacteria (which is keeping my grade in microbiology up right now)
* I have to draw blood from people and I'm afraid of needles
* In about 10 months I have to take a registry, which I have to pass or the last 5 years of my life will have been a waste

So needless to say, I usually win, even though this is my blog and I tend to be a little bias. I mean, who does she think she's messing with; I am the founder and president of the PP club ( the Poor Pitiful Me club.. the M added didn't sound as funny). But it is a fun game and I guess this time next year, I'll probably be the one losing, that is if I do pass my registry and get a job. But as for now, I am the champion.

2005-08-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

11:45

Aggie is my families housekeeper/nanny/traveling-maid-that-will-make-you-dust-on-saturday-mornings-if-you're-under-15. And she is literally our entire families housekeeper: my parent's, my grandmother's, my cousin's, occassionally my aunt's, and occassionally my dad's business'. She also has amusing and catching sayings that get repeated multiple times in a day. Today the one that came to mind while sitting in church was "twwweellllvee-a-clock, it about time, twwwelllvvee-a-clock; dats all to dem cleaveland girls." This saying applies to any situation whether you're 30 minutes early or 30 minutes late, or if it's 4pm or 7:30am.

Well, anyways, the reason I thought of this saying was because it slightly defines the next step in my life (and I use life very loosely in the social life sense) that is occuring/about to occur. And with all things I guess this one needs explaination, since most people can't understand the inner workings of my mind and probably most don't want to. But anyways, I realized tonight that I'm kind of just hanging out there in the awkward place between college and the real world. I don't have a job like the rest of my friends that graduated this year and yet, I don't really feel like I'm still in college (since I did graduate) even though I still have six months of class left. And even then I have six months of internship in a different city (well hopefully in a different city than montgomery). So I can't really make any long time plans for montgomery (clubs, church, projects, completely moving into a room), even my gym membership ends in october. And then I'll hopefully move to Atlanta for at least six monthes, but I can't really make long term plans for Atlanta because I'm not positive that I'll be able to find a job there. So I'm just kind of here... not really in college, not really working... not quite living in Montgomery, not really living in LaGrange and not in Atlanta. So now I'm having trouble relating to some of my friends that are getting jobs and entering the "real world". And feel slightly old when I hang out with my friends that haven't graduated yet. It really is just weird when you go back and try to go to a college party.

So here I am, in limbo land; however it has made me read at a faster rate than I ever have in my entire life. This summer I have read 1. The Golden Compass, 2. The Subtle Knife, 3. The Amber Spy Glass, 4. Deception Point, 5. Harry Potter 5, 6. Harry Potter 6, 7. Eragon, 8. The Strange Incidence of the Dog in the Night-time, 9. Olivia Joules and the Overactive Imagination. NINE BOOKS. Now I know on a normal person's reading ability nine books in three monthes is no big feat, but this probably about 1/3 of all the books that I've ever read. And I also made B's or higher in all of my summer classes. This is also why I used the reference to social life so loosely.

Oh, yeah, how it relates to Aggie's saying. I feel that whenever I do get a job and settle down somewhere, there's going to be someone saying "twwweellllvee-a-clock, it about time, twwwelllvvee-a-clock; dats all to dem cleaveland girls" and right now, even though I'm so close, it just isn't quite 12 o'clock... it's about 11:45 on my watch. But then again, maybe things never really do reach 12 o'clock, maybe you just continue to change and never really get settled, which I guess wouldn't be such a bad thing after all. I personally would get a lot of books read.

2005-04-18T21:34:00.000-07:00

Linus' Security Blanket

I am beginning to believe that everyone has a security blanket that they believes hides their true feelings and fears. Kind of like Linus' blue blanket (you know, Linus from Charlie Brown.. who Sally was in love with.) With his secruity blanket, Linus was a genius and could could do anything and could even put up with Sally's woefullness and could out-wit Lucy. But when Linus' blanket, he couldn't do anything; he was almost as careless as Charlie Brown.
Well, I've recently determined my security blanket: my baseball hat. It all started the last time I was sick (and I mean 103 degree fever sick for 5 days); my mama could look at my eyes and tell when my fever just broke or when I when I got a new one and felt awful. I know this might just be motherly instinct, but she one time when she was checking on me, she said "You're eyes just look so sad; there just so expressive." (or said something like that.) And I've learned that she was right because my daddy can tell when I come home and feel bad by looking at my eyes, or sometimes cynthia can tell when I've had a bad day or when I'm pissed off, even if I'm doing my best to hide it. I can change my facial expression so that you might think I'm in the best mood when I've really just had the worst day, as long as you can't see my eyes; if you can see the expression in my eyes, you can tell exactly what I'm thinking, because I can't manipulate it.
So my new security blanket, is my baseball cap. It hides my eyes from people, and thus hides my true feelings, espeically when I'm sad. Because, if I can hide when I'm sad, then I can control who knows and continue to fool others into believeing that I'm just wearing my hat because it's freakin' cute on me. And I'll get through the day.

*side note: my sisters are probably completely shocked that i wrote 3 blogs in 1 day and i can't imagine what comments they'll have on these blogs. but i had a lot on my mind today and couldn't concentrate on things i needed to without getting somethings out of my head. oh, and i had to find a new security blanket after LaLa went into the cedar chest.

2005-04-18T21:25:00.000-07:00

Establishing My Individuality

I've had several things happen recently that has really made me stop and think: about who I am, about what I want to be, but mostly about what I believe. I realize that I am only 21-years-old and still have a lot of growing up to do, but I believe that I am slowly discovering who am truly am. So this is my list.. well, at least so far; I still have a lot of growing up to do.

I believe…
1. In the betterment of man. I believe that we can achieve to reach greater feats than we currently have.
2. In the good of people. I believe that everyone is naturally good natured; it is the events in people’s lives to turn them bitter and it is the actions they choose to take, as a consequence of those events (directly or indirectly), that make people “bad”.
3. The glass is half-full. But I also believe that some days the glass gets tipped over and it might take a little while to become half-full again.
4. There is a glass slipper for everyone. I just do not understand why you have to break a few to find the perfect fit.
5. You should always help someone, if they really need it, despite the how much it could cost, and especially if you’re the only one that can. But for the most part, people need to opportunity to find a way on their own, even if there is an easier path.
6. That people need each other. Even if you can live independently of a significant other, you will always need your friends and you will ALWAYS need your family. You will always need someone to pick you up and put you back on your feet when you fall.
7. The human body is the greatest creation ever made, with all of its intricate processes/pieces, even when some things go wrong.
8. Everyone deserves a second chance if they’ve learned from their mistakes.
9. You are given hints every now-and-then to help you on your way. It is your choice to follow them or not.
10. You must have some sense of self. You must know what you truly believe in because without that, you don’t really know who you are. But you should also be open to other’s beliefs.
11. You should always aspire for more. Never stop learning. However, be satisfied with your material possessions and the things you already have learned.
12. True love does exist. I believe that there is that perfect person for everyone; they’re just a little harder to find for some.
13. You can never know or understand all the secrets of the world. And you should graciously accept something beyond your understanding with amazement, instead of being defeated in frustration.
14. I will never face any true trials in my life. There will always be someone in the world that has it harder than I ever will.
15. Some situations do need sympathy, but there are many more that need encouragement to get through them.
16. Everyone does have a time to finish their life on earth and that it is pre-determined without our input. But it does not mean you should do things outrageously dangerous; it’s not your golden ticket to be reckless.
17. You should unselfishly impact at least one person in your lifetime. This will be what fulfills your life.
18. There is a higher being that lets us live our lives and make mistakes but gives us a little push every so often. I also believe that it ultimately protects us, if we allow it.
19. People from our pass, that truly loved us, are watching over us and still love us.
20. People make mistakes. And this is what really teaches us how to be better. Error is human destiny. But, I also believe in “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
21. You have to let things go sometimes. Don’t hold onto a dream that your subconscious is telling you won’t come true.
22. People contradict themselves everyday. But, somewhere in their logic, it all makes sense, whether someone else understands it or not.
23. Marriage is sacred and should not be considered lightly.
24. There is a reason why each of us are here.
25. You can change the world, if you really want to. You could mean the world to one person and that could be the only part of the world that you’re suppose to better.
26. You should accept people for who they are as long as they are being the best they can be. And that you should strive to have a positive impact on almost everyone you meet.
27. Nothing is ever settled with violence. Violence is simply a method of prolonging a resolution irrationally. It solves nothing.
28. Sometimes you just need to be alone, either to clear your mind or to realize what you really have.
29. Change is hard but inevitable.
30. Everyone will always have thoughts/moments of a 5-year-old, a 10-year-old, and a 13-year-old even when their 110-years-old.
31. No matter how irresponsible you want to be, everyone feels responsibility to someone.
32. Laughter is the best medicine. You should laugh everyday. You should also be able to laugh at yourself and your mistakes.
33. In punctuality. You’ll never be happy if you are continuously play catch-up with your life.
34. Sometimes you just have to let your hair down and jump without thinking about it. Take chances.
35. People will always give you advice or tell you things that you don’t want to hear. And you will continue to ask other people’s opinions until you hear what you want to hear.
36. You should always sing, regardless on what you sound like. A song an change your mood in a instant if you sing it loud enough.

2005-04-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

Odd One Out

Growing up I've always known that I was sligtly different than the rest of my family. (Which is a little scary in itself considering the odd personality traits that run in my family.) Out of the five people in my family (my parents, two sisters, and me) I was the only one with blue eyes. There used to be little wooden ginger-bread looking figurines above out kitchen door and they went in order from my dad, to my mom, to Beth (my oldest sister), to Rebecca (my middle sister), to me. And the first four figurines all had the same brown eyes, but the last one was different: it had bright blue eyes. I can remember looking up from studying at the kitchen table when I was little and smiling at the figurines because mine was different, I was different. But I recently learned something that makes me wonder if I inherited all of my parents' recessive genes. I recently learned that I am the only person, again out of 5 people, that has "O" blood type.
A little history for people that don't know anything about blood types, "A" blood type and "B" blood type are both dominate (when together they are co-dominate) meaning, if you have that gene, you'll be that blood type. But if you don't have the "A" blood group or "B" blood group genes (or we'll say have the recessive gene of "O"), you're considered to have type "O" blood. Well, first learned that both my sisters have type "A" blood, then I learned that both my parents have type "A" blood. So since both my parents have A blood and I somehow ended up with type "O", this means that my parents must be heterozygous for type "A" blood (they're both AO).
So I've decided that nature was against me even in the beginning. What are the chances that I would be the only person to get multiple recessive genes from my parents? There is a mathematical and scientific way to discover this, I'm sure, taking into consideration random selection, independent segregation, independent assortment, and the punnett square, but that's beyond me; so we'll just say that it's about a 15% chance.
My dad's comment on this was "Yeah, I'm going to figure out who he was one of these days." (being the bitingly-sarcastic individual that he is). I looked at him and said "Right. Since strangers off the street have looked at me before, when I was alone and said 'You're a Cleaveland, aren't you?'" So, if I wasn't a very attractive female equivalent of my dad (I'm not talking about a she-man looking type person, so get that image out of your head), there might have been some questioning for the mail-man.. but wait that was my dad at about the time I was conceived/born too!

2005-04-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

Smug

It has been a long time coming, but finally in my last semester at Auburn, I understand what's going on in my classes. It makes sense that if your serum reacts with "A1" cells then you have "B" blood type, and that insulin attaches to your cells which is what allows the glucose to go in so that glycogen stores increase, and that allergies are an hypersensitivity response mediated mostly by mast cells and basophils. It just makes sense to me. Well, it doesn't quite make sense to everyone in my classes, which is unfortunate in classes that consists on 20 people or less. A few (mainly 2 or 3) of the people in my class already think I'm a little sorority snob... I don't think it's because I've ever done anything to them... I've never been rude... I've never acted like I was better than they are because I'm in a sorority... I've never acted like I was rich, or have money to blow... sometimes I'm nicer to them than actual friends. But they still think I'm snob, or at least that's the impression they give. Well now, since I've begun to finally understand everything, I get the impression that they think I'm a smug know-it-all, which I might act like, but I really don't mean to. I simply answer the questions that our teacher asks us, I challenge things that don't make sense, I figure out which antibody is in the serum faster than anyone else, and I do make higher on the test, quizzes, and lab reports than most everyone else. But all of this isn't because I'm a smug know-it-all, it's because I'm a dork that likes the subject and studies constantly. This might come as a surprise to some, but I'm not a born genius... I'm simply a dork that has nothing better to do with her time. And they're making me feel bad that I understand it and actually study the material almost every night (okay, well every-other night) and sometimes it feels they want me to apologize to them for answering the questions. But I'm not going to apologize because I work my butt off to understand. I'm not going to apologize because I don't go out every other night like they do. And I'm not going to apologize that I'm slightly anal retentive and a perfectionist when it comes to doing class work. It's their fault that they haven't prioritized the things in their life to make better grades, because they're all (well, okay, most of them) are capable of making the same thing that I do. So, I'm going to continue to be smug and answer all the questions, and occassionally correct my teacher when she gets confused with the logic of antibody screening (now, that sounds a little smuggish). Because one day when after I graduate with better grades than they do and understand and remember what we learned, I'm going to be the director of the lab that they are working for and then I might just stick up my nose and be smug. Because I've decided that I can't change what they think of me. They will always think that I'm a smug know-it-all sorority snob. So, I might as well live up to their expectations!

2005-04-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

So True, It's Scary

After receiving the grade from my extremely hard immunology test back from last week, I decided that I could avoid studying and "play" on the internet for a little while. Oh, and it's because I made a 98 on my test... yes, I know, aspiring genius... feel free to applaud. Well I found one of those sites (from a friends AIM profile) that you answer a few questions and it tells you the true personality of you subconscious or the way you should seduce people or what Disney character you really are (I was Peter Pan by the way... there must be an error in that quiz because it should have come out as Cinderella.) Well, below are my results to a few of them. It's scary because some of the things are true: i.e. in the first one, I do have a good work ethic, I am a perfectionist, I have had a checklist of my ideal mate since childhood, and I am a bit shy when I begin to flirt with someone. The second one is just to prove to my friends that I really am normal and have evidence to prove it now. And the third one is because I'd love to go to Italy, if anyone wants to take the hint and pay for a poor college student's vacation to Italy.

Virgo - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:
* You're incredibly thoughtful and able to give your partner what they need most.
* You are totally logical. You can deal with problems without involving your emotions.
* A good work ethic. You'll do whatever it takes (within reason) to make your relationship work.

Your negative traits:
* Sometimes you are so focused on your goals that you let your relationships suffer
* You tend to be a perfectionist - and expect perfection from your mate as well
* You are picky. So picky that you rather be single than with someone who has a few minor faults.

Your ideal partner:
* Values success in life as much as you do
* Fits a checklist of qualities you've been looking for since childhood
* Like you, is more practical and realistic than romantic

Your seduction style:
* You may seem a bit shy, but once you open up to someone - you're totally uninhibited
* You like to set the scene first - candles, music, nice sheets

Tips for the future:
* Soften up a little. Vulnerability is sexy - and feels great over time.
* Lower your standards a little. Look past a messy desk or someone being five minutes late.
* Praise your partner more. You make expect them to be successful, but complements are still appreciated.

Best color to attract mate:
* Navy blue

Best day for a date:
* Wednesday

How Normal Are You?
You Are 60% Normal(Really Normal)
* Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal
* You're like most people most of the time
* But you've got those quirks that make you endearing
* You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

Who's Your Inner European?
Your Inner European is Italian!
* Passionate and colorful.
* You show the world what culture really is.

2005-04-08T23:40:00.000-07:00

I'm Not Becoming a Hypochondriac

This past week qualifies as the most stressful week that I had since the last time I was receiving rejection letters from pharmacy school. And, if you really know me (besides from reading these blogs, since they obviously portray me as being angry, jealous, and bitter towards the world), then you should know that I don't get stressed easily. I am normally a fairly easy-going person (noticed that "fairly" was used instead of "completely"). But due to my persistence at attending class and some how paying attention, I am able to rationalize my stress in a biological manner. You see, in endocrinology, we began studying the adrenal glands and their effect on cortisol (you know, that diet pill commercial for "cortislim" that magically makes you shrinks by reducing cortisol when you're stressed). Well, today I must have grown another person due to the amounts of cortisol that must have been released if it was proportional to the stress. My teacher listed today triggers of stress, and out of 14 "stressors", this is how many I had this week:
1. anxiety, especially from exams --- note: I had three tests, four quizzes, and a lab due this week
2. personal conflicts --- debating on whether I truly want to know that this guy has no interest in me, or if I'd rather just live in fantasy land and think he secretly longs for me
3. physical stress, restraining a person --- we had self-defense simulations where we had to get away from cops in padding; yes, this was slightly fun to legally get to beat up a cop, but a slightly nerve racking and my arms were sore for two days where he grabbed me wrist.
4. chemical --- well being female, who knows what chemicals are being transported throughout our bodies
5. social conflicts --- there has been so much things scheduled in the "greek world" this week, even though I didn't go to half of them, I still feel bad that I didn't go and kind of wanted to go
6. changes in lifestyle --- (okay, well this one was stretched slightly) slowly realizing that I have to work my butt off to make the grades to pass my classes in order to graduate in the spring, while my fellow students can go out every other week day nights (not to even mention weekends) to bars and still earn a sheet of paper that is looked at as being equal to mine in the real world.... it's a little frustrating!
7. sorrow --- I mean, wouldn't you have sorrow if you had all of this and all of your other friends were going out making out with people and while all of your friends say every time you see them, "So, what's happen with this guy? Oh, I hope it works out for you"; when you know they're thinking "Oh, I hope it works out for you so that I don't feel guilty when I blow you off for this guy."
8. Fear --- (and yes, this one is completely unjustified and, yes, I can hear every single one of my friends response to this "You're just being stupid! I mean, she's 22-years-old! She can stay at a different guy's house every night if she wants to and you shouldn't care!" Well, maybe I'm just a more concerned friend than you're so-called "best friends".) I'm afraid for a friend.

* explanation for number 8 (in other words, this one's lengthy):
I have determined after last night that I don't think that I can ever have kids because they'll either be (1) hermits because I'll be too afraid to let them do anything with a chance that they might get hurt or (2) complete hoodlums when they rebel against my controlling nature. How did I decide this? Well, because I'm having "protective parent" syndrome with my best friend already. It's not that I don't want her to ever date, find a soul-mate, get married, and have kids that I can teach really annoying tricks to and spoil. I don't want her to have to go through all the other crap that comes with that. I don't want her to get hurt and I don't want her to do anything that she'll ever regret, even though both of these are normal progressions to life. She holds a pass relationship that I had over my head every time I even begin to mention anything about this, and I let her. Partly because I probably deserve it and partly because I'll always feel guilty about how crappy of I friend I was during that year. But what she doesn't know, is that year was probably one of the worst years I've had in my 21 years (when it probably should have been my best) and it's the reason that I am so afraid when she begins to like someone, and especially now that he likes her equally as much. I look back and I feel like that particular guy stole things from me that I can never get back. He drained me of sympathy that I used to have for people; he made me feel badly whenever I told him that something upset me, which could be why internalize emotions when I'm upset, especially upset with people; he pressured me into things (intentional or not, I don't know) that I will always regret; he screwed up the relationship that I had with my friends and my parents, which were both quite strong before; he made me feel like I didn't deserve anything better, and this is perhaps the reason that it took me six months to break-up with him (well, and the fear that I had that he would commit suicide because he was so emotionally unstable; I still catch myself subconsciously checking the obituaries every time I go home and this is not because I'm conceded; he was that unstable.) And so I let my best friend hang it over my head four years later, because I feel guilty for all of those things and get mad at myself every time I remember how crappy I was that year. But it rips me to shreds every time. And I don't want her to have these feeling. So I am afraid. I know I'm not her parents, or sibling, or even cousin, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the same amount of love for her as I do my biological sisters. So last night when she called at 11pm and told me where she was (which is the most detail I'll go into, because she'll probably kill me for even writing that), that whole year came back to me, and I remembered everything that I can't get back. And even though the text message said "i'm fine i promise", I thought the same thing during that dreadful year when I was being pressured into things I would later regret. And it took every fiber of resistance in my being to keep from IMing this guy with "If you hurt her in any way, if she sheds one tear because of you, I will hurt you and I have friends that will help me and you will regret it."

But fear is what's increasing my cortisol levels the most. Exams are over, for this week; I will probably never tell this guy that I'm madly in love with him, even without creasing book spines; self-defense and being a female are ending; right, like I really feel guilty for missing two events when I've put FOUR YEARS into this sorority; I really do like the fact that my degree will let me work with all kinds of bodily fluids instead of a computer and paper work; and by now I'm used to not being in a relationship when most of my friends are, the ability to be independent is something I pride myself in. But I don't ever think I'll stop being afraid things that can hurt my best friend. Crazy, I know, that I'm not afraid of things that can hurt me; but I can control the situations that occur in my life and that gives me a little piece of mind.

side note: endocrinology class has also convinced me that i have hypothyroidism. although, i will probably never go and find out for sure because blood tests are required for diagnosis and, then if i have accurately diagnosed myself, blood tests would need to be done every six months. and no one is sticking a needle in my arm to draw blood twice a year just to run tests unless i'm dying.

2005-03-23T22:42:00.000-08:00

PNA (potential new alumni)
It still surprises me that, out of the three of us, I was the only one of my biological sisters that joined a sorority. If my oldest sister had gone to a university with sororities, she would have been likely to join a sorority probably just so she could have been the president .... she's the natural leader and likes the power. My middle sister would have qualified as the most likely to join one, with her girlish ways, admiration for pink, and her keen sense of style... but she also would have made sororities look good because she was a good student, fairly athletic, could have kept to any kind of work-out schedule any group would have enforced (if they did), and could have easily gotten along with people (well, at least as much as any sorority sisters get along with each other). But me. Pink is not my favorite color. I don't like to carry purses. I'd rather go play in the dirt over going shopping (well, most times), especially if it's for shoes or bathing suits. Prissy girls annoy me. And I'm not the most proper lady ever. But still.... I was the one that joined a sorority. But the funniest part might just be that ny older sisters, that are 26 and soon will be 28, are continue in their pursuit to discover the secrets of my organizations after 4 years. They are also resorting to inventing their own secret handshake, secret letters, secret password, and probably by now, a secret song. I don't really think that it helps that they live together and still get along insanely well. So I have decided that I need to take the initiative to discover how to initiate women into my sorority as "alumni status" (meaning they've already graduated but can still technically be a sister). Here is my plea to my non-biological sisters (or some might refer to them as the ones I bought): please take into consideration initiating my sisters into our fraternity (yes, fraternity... that's a whole other explanation), if not to just create an ever-lasting bond with them through TFJ, to correct things such as the picture below and teach them how to do the cheesy things right. (By the way, this picture is now the background on my desktop because it makes me laugh every morning when i turn on my computer.)

2005-03-22T05:03:00.000-08:00

Give 'Em A Hand

My parents are probably some of the best parents that you could ever ask for. They taught my sisters and I morals, values, financial consciousness (well, to some extend... but we're still working on that one), laughter, coping abilities and every thing else that you'll need in life, including the ability to be cynical. And they did it all without ever explicitly saying, "Now girls, this is a time that you should laugh because that was funny" and without ever punishing us in a conventional method. (My parents don't believe in "grounding" and never physically punished us; they believed in "THE TALKS!") But all of this made me think of one of my favorite things (that is also one of the easiest to describe) that my parents did for us: Raised me in Georgia.
I am glad that I was raised in Georgia. Not because of the pretty decent education system, not because Georgia is one of the prettiest states (in my opinion) in the south, not because it's the only state out of all 50 that begins with a "G". I am glad that my parents raised me in Georgia, because of the way it sounds with a southern accent; and if you've ever been around me for a decent amount of time, I'm sure that you've made fun of my southern accent. But think about it. It's pretty when said by a southern female. Georgia doesn't sound quite as pretty with a northern accent, but everyone knows that a southern accent is more elegant anyways. If you just aren't understanding this and don't know me well enough to be able to imagine my voice, then think of Scarlet O'Hara (and if you don't know who that is, stop reading this right now.) Scarlet O'Hara could seduce a man just by the way she says "Georgia" while batting her eyes under her parasol. I mean really, could you imagine if she had been from Alabama or Mississippi. If she had to say "I'm Ms. Scarlet O'Hara from Alabama" they probably would have had to make her a working woman instead of a southern belle. (no offense to any of my friends from Alabama; it's nothing against your state, just the way it sounds.) Or if it was "I'm Scarlet O'Hara from Mississippi", Tara and/or Twelve Oaks would have been the equivalence of trailers during the civil war instead of plantations. So thank you mama and daddy, for raising me in Georgia; so now if I need to seduce a Rhett Butler, I'll just have to whip out my parasol and learn to bat my eyes a little more.

2005-03-14T12:50:00.000-08:00

Sign on the Dotted Line
I'm beginning to believe that there should be a consent form that people have to sign before they get to know me on a deeper level than just acquaintances or mild friends. I am coming to the point in life where people begin to develop their own opinions and these opinions are being set deeper into stone. I do realize that it may appear that I am becoming more stubborn and more "abrasive", especially towards the people whose opinion I agree with less and less. So, perhaps, there should be waiver that people must sign or agree to before they really get to know me and it might look a little like this...

I, _______, understand that the following things could be unveiled about Melissa Cleaveland while getting to know her true personality and developing a meaningful friendship with her. I realize that my feelings may get hurt and I may not agree with her, but I will not hold her or any relating responsible for the irrational things that she says that may hurt me, challenge my beliefs, divide a line between myself and another party, or jeopardize any future relationship that I may have with Melissa. I understand that most of the opinions and feelings expressed by Melissa are mostly irrational, petty, and forgotten within a week unless a dire situation has occurred (i.e. death, destruction of property, destroying any of her deep relationships including but not limited to boyfriends, family and/or Cynthia). The following are examples of things that may be uncovered about Melissa and I agree to take with a grain of salt (unless salt is a substance that causes my blood pressure to rise which would incur death upon myself, then I'll take it with the weight of a feather):

1. Melissa is a stubborn individual who would be unable to rationally debate any subject because half the time she unable to she the other side of the story.
2. Melissa is extremely opinionated but rarely agrees with everyone in her surrounding area.
3. At certain times, Melissa tends to lose her temper irrationally. Usually, this occurs in time of high stress or extreme over-exposure to the same situations. This temper will subside after Melissa is alone for a while and cools down.
4. If you really piss Melissa off, then you will know. You probably won't be told directly what you did but you will know either through her mood towards you, other people, slamming doors, avoidance, tears, very long drives alone, or through an online journal. However, it does take quite a bit to actually piss-off Melissa to an extent where it's something to be concerned about; most fits need to be referred back to #3.
5. Melissa likes to be a loner sometimes. It is a characteristic developed at camps when younger. It doesn't not automatically mean that she is upset, mad, or planning a devious plot against you; sometimes it might just mean that she wants to sing to the radio at the top of her lungs with the windows down or be able to walk around naked (this is not an incriminating to either of those these acts).
6. Melissa is very protective about people/things that she cares about. If you mess with something she cares about, actions could be taken against something you care about. If you mess with someone she cares about, then you better watch your back. Either one of these case could cause a result of #4 caliber.
7. If you ask for Melissa's opinion, Melissa's opinion will be given to you whether it is what you want to hear or not. Melissa, however, does realize that you will probably not heed her advice and go in search of others' advice which is more along the lines of what you wanted to hear.
8. If you do not want Melissa's advice, you have a highly probability of getting it sooner-or-later anyways either directly, through word of mouth, or through her online journal.
9. Melissa does not always do the consensus of the group just to be with people. Melissa may not enjoy the activity taking place or may just not be up for the event. This should not be alarming and should not cause you to change your plans unless a request has been made; at the point of time a request is made, then you must make a decision and you may need to refer to #3.
10. Melissa is an odd individual that finds interests in subjects that many others may not find intriguing (i.e. medical situations, blood and its processes, evolution vs. adaptation) and some of the subjects may disgust you. If the subject at hand causes you to turn-up-your-nose, then just tell Melissa to be quite or not talk about that stuff. However, this power of your nose turning up should not be abused or you will lose this power.
11. Melissa occasionally ponders random questions (i.e. if she was in a coma for an extended period of time, would you shave her legs for her; if you didn't have any big toes, how often would you really fall over in one day and in what direction; what really is gravity). These questions can be answered at your discretion; this is just a warning that questions of this nature does occur and you should not be alarmed.
12. Melissa has the tendency to walk around in her underwear right before getting into bed regardless of who is in the room (with exceptions to males); blame this on 4 years of living in the dorm and being related to sisters that are not modest in the slightly sense of the word.
13. Melissa does not express emotions very well and does not confront someone directly when they have upset her; it is simply not her method of dealing with her emotions.
14. Melissa is slightly OCD. She likes things done a certain way, in a certain order/method, and it isn't right will keep doing the thing until she gets it right, especially if it is something that she is passionate about.
15. Melissa is not an expert at any kind of grammer or pronounciation. Melissa also has the tendency to make up words to songs if she does not know or understand the correct words.
16. If you get to know Melissa at a deep enough level to get to know her family, an additional waiver will be issued discussing the quirkiness, the dry humor, the subtle mocking, and the flat-out weird things that may occur within the inner workings of the Cleaveland family and close relatives. For reference on whether or not to venture into this area of relationship, please refer to Cynthia.

I understand the above points about Melissa and am willing to accept them and abide by any advice given in them. I also realize that this is not even close to half of the things that make up the complex individual that makes up Melissa; there are many more things about this intriguing specimen most of which are happy-go-lucky situations, scenarios that if taken out of context or performed by anyone else could be merit for a trip to a padded room, trips for ice cream, a partner in the what should be considered a crime of taking over a playground from the age group it was intended for, random gifts of apology for her being a dumb a**, deep/inspiration discussions, rational advice, and random knowledge that you probably would not hear from anywhere else. By signing this, I understand that I may learn these things about Melissa and will not be alarmed or extremely angered. I also acknowledge that I have not developed a relationship with Melissa before the beginning of August 2001 (which is the beginning of her freshman year of college) because I realize that if I have began a relationship or have developed a relationship with Melissa before this time and am still friends with her and haven't realized these things, well then I'm just oblivious to everything and am just out of any luck in trying to get out of the relationship.

Sign: X _____________________________

Maybe this would help people from getting pissed at me for being myself. But then again, if I had to give this out to everyone I met, I either wouldn't have friends at all or my only friends would be the weird people that like to push their luck with life. Perhaps people should come with their own warning labels, but then again that would make life rather dull and boring; there would never be any drama, or celebrations, or cat-fights, or any human passion; instead, everyone would walk around not getting to know other people because they're too afraid of each other. I'm also beginning to see why my sisters are beginning to think that I'm a very angry individual since this is their greatest outlook onto my life. It's not that I'm angry at the world or even angry half the times that I'm writing these things; it's simply that this is one of my only outlet into my deep inner thinkings/feelings. I'm just not very good at expressing how I feel to other people in an direct contact situation, besides half the time it doesn't really matter. These meanderings were started as an outlet for me to get things off my chest without forcing someone to listen to me or so I don't have to listen to someone else's advice on the matter or just me ranting. I don't mean most of the things that I say, its just how I feel. And, if you read these, please don't take them personally and, after all, it was your own choice to read it, I didn't make you do it. Most of these meanderings are meant for me anyways in a sort of self-discovery that most people do when they're in their early 20s and about to graduate from college. If there is a writing meant for some particular reason/person, this person knows what to take seriously, when to read it, and, I like to think which is probably a fault of my own, already knows what she did to piss me off; and this particular person knows how stubborn I can be and hopefully I'm beginning to open up more to this person when I get angry. So if I upset you with something in here, I would say I'm sorry, but I don't feel that I should be since I didn't make you read it and the comments were probably directed at me more than you.

2005-02-18T05:56:00.000-08:00

All About You

Why is it that when some people are stressed because they have a test the next day, others are considerate and will be relatively quite, concerned that they might be interupting your studying ability and they might even encourage them to go to a more secluded place where their studying abilities might be put to better use eventually giving them better success on their outcome? However, when I have the third big test in a row and TWO really hard quizzes the next day, I get told that I'm being a b**** because I was ever-so-slightly mean to you and get so much noise that I can't even think straight much less study and no concern whatsoever that I might fail my test and the two quizzes all of which I need to really well on to keep my grades up in order to no get denied to my last year of school. It really is becoming more and more about you every day, with less and less consideration sometimes for the people that used to be the closest to you. It's all about your problems and if anyone else has problems or get even slightly stessed out, well, then they're just being a b****!

2005-02-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

A Birthday Gift to Myself

I get the best birthday gift ever! And I get it two years in a row: A DEGREE!!!! I'M GRADUATING IN AUGUST!!!!! WOOHOO!!!! I get to go fill out paper work before this semester is over..... AHH!!! :o)

2005-02-05T10:47:00.000-08:00

Insightful Advice
there is something about being alone for an entire night that makes me very introspective and discover a ton of insightful advice. a rare thing to be insightful, i know.... especially for myself. so here is the advice that i would give a few of my acquaintances, if i ever thought they would listen:
To the over-analyzing love struck one:
Just jump. If you really like him, just like him. Just take the plunge and see if it will work. Don't worry about whether or not he dated a super model in the past years, how many girls he's made out with, how many people know him or have heard stories about him, or whether or not his mind is on you for all 24 hours of the day. You're not getting into to this to get married on you second date; you just do it to find out if there could possibly be something in the end. And yes, you may fall; and you may fall on jagged rocks; and it will probably hurt if you do end up falling. But that's why you have friends, to tar and feather him if you ever had that desire. And your friends will be there with mattresses on top of the jagged rocks so that it won't hurt quite as badly. But then again, you might not hit the bottom, he could be the gust of wind that makes you fly. But you'll never know until you jump without thinking about it; you can't analyze the fall. Just close your eyes, let down your hair, and enjoy the ride.

To the quite one that thinks too much:
Stop it! Just stop. Sometimes there aren't reasons for why someone might be interested in you; it could possibly be that for once in your life, you opened your mouth without any hesitation or expectation. If you never talk to anyone that you could possibly be interested in, they'll never be interested in. Don't believe the person that says men only like women for there looks, because if that were true I'd be screwed. And everyone should know that's not true because you look a whole lot cuter in a short skirt and a low-cut top than I do and I already know how to kiss a guy. It is also impossible to find Mr. Right with out trying out a few of the not-so-good fish out there. They're not all going to fit you, but, just like a formal dress, you have to at least try on the not as attractive ones. Someone could possibly find you intriguing enough to want to buy you dinner when they just met you; it just might take you a little longer that find something in him, but you'll never know until you try. And when you do possibly let go and just try something out, don't think. Don't think about what's about to happen or what could happen or what should happen or how it should happen or what the effects of it happening could be. Just lean in! You'll have plenty of time to think afterwards, and probably laugh a lot in the end. What makes a moment magical is not that it hasn't happened ever before, but that it's never felt quite as right before.

To the worry wart:
People will be pissed off at you some point in your life. But if they truly love you, or are truly a friend, they'll forgive you. Now, I would suggest doing things just to piss them off or doing things that piss them off all the time; that will get you no where in life. Yes, you must give into your friends sometimes, but not all the time. Take some time out for yourself; make yourself happy every now and then. They happier you are, the happier everyone around you will be. So take sometime out for yourself, and possibly sometime to be alone. It offers a lot of sanity and will give you time to relax. You can't control every situation of your life. Sometimes things just happen because they were meant to happen. If something happens that's out of your control, just let it go. And if something is happening that doesn't need your control, let it go. You'll still have people that care about you regardless of what might have happened. I'll give you the advice my mother gave me in the form of a Hallmark card: "Breath, slowly and deeply. It will be okay."

To the happy-go-lucky over-achiever:
You're too good for your own self. I know that you just want to help out in every way that you possibly can, but sometimes people can do things on their own. I think I worry about you more than others; possibly, because I don't completely understand how you do it. But learn to say "no". It would be a shame to see your light be blown out by an over-whelming wind of stuff. Let it shine a little less brightly sometimes.

To the quick pleaser:
You can't make everyone happy in life. You are doing so well, but you need to time to yourself sometimes. Just slow down. You don't have to do everything. I know that people are sometimes stupid, irrational and irresponsible but they can figure out some things on their own. And it's okay if you just don't know, because sometimes you just don't. Let people know that. Every now and then, take time to lock your door, turn off your phone, sign off your computer and doing something relaxing for yourself, by yourself. Watch a movie, read a book, color... anything, as long as you're not doing it for someone else.

To the aggressive, screaming controller:
I am not sure what has made you so angry at the world, but let it go. Don't lash out at people as much; you lose friends that way. Look at things calmly and rationally and, more importantly, look at it from others perspective. Learn to take things with a grain of salt sometimes (and I don't mean with the salt on the rim of a margarita glass). Everything in the world does not need to be analyzed by you, and if you can't control your analysis, learn to control what you say. People don't really care about your opinion on every single matter of their life, sometimes they just want to vent; sometimes people just need to talk and don't really want a reaction from you, and that's okay, learn to recognize that, respect that, and not say anything unless they ask you to. You also need to realize that people handle situations differently than you; a lot of people need to be alone to blow off steam instead of screaming at each other. Stop being so angry and aggressive to the people that could possibly care for you. And, even though you think you might, you don't need to know every single little thing a person did, is doing, is going to do, or is thinking at every single moment of the day; really it's not that important. If someone really wants you to know something, they'll tell you; other wise, let it go and let them keep it private until they feel the time is right to let you know what's up, not when you think it's time. And let things be out of your control every now and then, don't plan dinner 18 hours before hand, don't have plans made out for every single moment of your life. You think you're so spontaneous, but really you're walking through life wavering from your carefully laid out path of planned bread crumbs that nothing spontaneous every happens. But also learn to keep your responsibilities; if someone expects something of you, do it or at least offer them an explanation as to why you don't feel you can, not a reason of why you don't want to. Especially if this responsibility is to yourself. You can't just do things that you want to do for the rest of you life; sometimes you have to do the things you would rather not in order to make your over-all life better. And obscenities don't help in every situations. They're bold words and have harsh meanings because they are suppose to be used sparingly and only under harsh circumstances, not circumstances that can be handles calmly and rationally.

i realize that as typing this, i must heed a lot of this advice myself. possibly that's really who this blog is for, instead of the people the people that i have in mind. but these are my meanderings, and most of the time it does not feel appropriate or validated to say many of these things. besides, people rarely change because of the opinions of others. they'll go on living their lives, and they'll make it. they may realize some of the things mentioned here, or i may change my mind and discover they are right. so for now, i'll keep most of these to myself in the form of this blog that most of my friends don't even know exists and deep down i have gotten satisfaction that if i ever do need to let them know how i feel, i have it all written out. so now finally the one to myself.

To the least understood, stubborn one:
You're not always right.

2005-01-21T18:37:00.000-08:00

Can you say that one more time?
So I think this 27 year-old in my classes is flirting with me. I didn't find out that he's 27 until today and there's only one little problem: you can't understand half the things that he says b/c he mumbles. Hm, minor, I guess.

2005-01-16T19:55:00.000-08:00

Casting A Stone
Is it truly wrong to be critical of something that you don't agree with and how do you tell that person? It is really beginning to annoy me when people aren't genuine about there actions and today this feeling was pushed a little too far. I know that in the world there must be leaders and then there must be followers, but, when you don't like to do something and it is known that you don't like to do it, this should be the time that you start you own path, followers or no, for a short period of time. You can't just do what everyone else is doing for the rest of your life. It really bothered me this morning because it touched on something that I believe should be kept sacred. Church. I know that I'm not the most devout person ever, and someone asked me to with them for the reason of going to church, I would more than likely go, but I didn't today. I didn't go this morning because there was another premise to attending: a social matter. It bothers me that this particular person went to church because other people went, I can say with about a 70% chance that if these other people weren't attending, she would not have gone either. You can go to a place to eat that you don't like to be social, you can go bowling to be social, you can go skating to be social, you can shake you booty to be social without liking any of these things.... but you should go to church for yourself, not to be social.

(if this rant doesn't make sense, oh well... it makes sense in my mind, and after all it is my rant. oh, and i'm pretty sure that the thing on my arm is ring worm)

2004-11-01T15:51:00.000-08:00

For lack of a better word

Have you ever had a dream about someone and you wake up thinking 'where did that come from'? Well, I have... actually I've recently had a series of the same dream over about the last month that I wake up to thinking 'where the heck did that thought come from'. It's been a dream that I'm making out with this one particular guy that in real life is a nice guy but not really that acttractive... but, in my dream, I find him irresitible, and he looks the same in my dream as he does in real life. However, it's beginning to bother me because now it seems that the... um... (for the lack of a better word) sexual tension is building between us. And, whenever I see him, I either want to laugh in face or jump him in the middle of class.

2004-08-11T18:54:00.000-07:00

Exhausted Chills

People that just see sororities from the outside or from directly inside the perimeter just don't understand the things that can be accomplished when multiple complete individuals bond together with a few common ideals. Today had to have been the longest day in recruitment history, but we succeeded. When we thought things went awry we jump and up and fixed the settings without any complaint or hesitation. And 10 hours later, when we prepared for the last group of hopefuls to cascade, we cheered; we grouped together, got enough energy and cheered in unison even though people from different areas were here. I got chills!

2004-07-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

Life isn't a dream

This is a great quote for when things don't go like you expect them,or how you dreamed them:

"The best-laid schemes o'mice an men
Gang aft agley
An lea'e us nought but grief an' pain
For promis'd joy!"
- To a Mouse , Robert Burns

translation to recognizable english:

"The best laid plans of mice and men
Often go awry
And leave us not but grief and pain
For promised joy!"

2004-07-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

Petty Concerns

So as the summer is coming to a close, I thought I'd share the things that have changed and the revelations that I have made this summer. About the only things that have changed are that my hair is a little bit longer and a lot more shaggy (much to the future distress of my stylist) and my jeans fit jsut a little bit better. But I have realized more than things have changed this summer. At the beginning of the summer, I was not in a very good mood at school and stressed about things that I thought were matters of real importance. But instead of staying concerned about these things and keeping in touch religiously with everyone from school, I decided to isolate myself. This isolation made me realize that 90% of the things that happen at school (outside of classes) are stupid little petty things that aren't going to changes my future or alter the universe. So, we didn't make quota this year.... so what? it doesn't matter..... "oh, my gosh, did you see her tacky toenail polish".... i mean really! I have also come to learn that this pettiness can continue as you get older at work. "Oh, no... she thinks she's smarter than me.... well she's wrong"... well if you're concerned about what someone else thinks so much then she probably is smarter than you. So I have decided that the best solution to these problems is to sit back and smirk at the ridiculousness of them all. Maybe this will be the best year of them all.

2004-06-11T14:05:00.000-07:00

The World is a Big Lump

So I thought I would share with you two things that were discussed/executed today. The first is a common saying that was pondered on: "The world is your oyster!" I mean really, what does that mean? Someone said perhaps that there are a lot of oysters (oppotunities) out there and all you have to do is grab one. But I don't even like oysters. So why would I want to seize an oppotunity that I don't even like? So I decided that the saying should really be "The world is your oyster; now go out and make some pearls!" Because I like pearls and they are making something kind of valuable out of something that really kind of ugly (oysters are the most attrative creatures in the world. But someone said b/c there's lots of pearls out in the world, so they're not really that valuable. So here's my new and improved saying that going to catch on really fast- "The world is your charcoal; now go make diamonds!"

The second event that was executed today is my fellow employs (who have made it quite clear that I should not work in retail pharmacy if I ever do get into school)have taken it upon themselves to try and set me up on a date. Today the have started to try to set me up with the 22-year-old coke man. At least he's not 35 like all the other ones they had picked out.

2004-04-25T18:17:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt that you're in a situation in which you've put so much in to it and aren't getting anything near that amount out. You've given your time, your effort, your engery, your GPA, your money, your social life, you image, and even your best friend. And what do you get out? Some people would say friends... already have those. Some people say social life.... can you really have a social life when half the people hate each other and everyone's drunk out of their mind? Some people say a good outlet into other organizations.... nope that's not true, the other organizations I got into, it didn't get me into it. And it sure isn't helping me get into grad school. I have given everything to this group.. well, everything that was in my power to give, without breaking the law. And I haven't gotten anything. Not even a simple sincerely "Thank you."

2004-03-22T18:43:00.000-08:00

So I recently have decided that I have been around my roommate too long. How do I know, you might ask? Well, because I have been recently choosing guys in the same manner that she does.... guys that are already dating someone else. Some might say it's just a coincidence, but if it's that then every male student at Auburn under the age of 24 are no longer single or, if they are, they are really big players and/or jerks interested in one thing and one thing only. It's not even like I'm trying to date the most attractive males on campus. So I am going to develop a list of simple criteria.

My Criteria (really it's not that difficult)
1. Must be single
2. Must be intellegent or at least know what the few large words I use mean (I mean, there aren't that many)
3. Must be amusing, but not retarded
4. Must like my friends
5. Must be able to handle my family, which requires a little sarcasim
6. Must be interested in me
7. Must not want to date any of my friends
8. Must have some flaw that siblings can make fun of and be okay with that
9. Must be able to say "Of course I'm wrong!" because I am always right
10. Must be single (just to emphasize that point)

2004-02-29T13:27:00.000-08:00

Hours of Entertainment

Your Superhero Persona by couplandesque
Your Name
Superhero Name	Butt-Man
Super Power	Ability To Breathe Underwater
Enemy	J-Lo
Mode Of Transportation	Giant Hamster Named Skippy
Weapon	Celine Dion Albums

Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

2004-02-18T11:10:00.000-08:00

GET OVER IT
a few things that are highly unlikely to change. so accept them and move on.

1. There will always be jokes about blondes. Accept it and move on.
2. When college professors are refering to their students, sleeping, drinking, and sex will always be involved. Accept it and move on.
3. Women will always be expected to have the baby, even if a medical discovery makes it possible for men to give birth. Accept it and move on.
4. Genetics will forevermore be at 7:00 AM at Auburn University. Accept it and move on.
5. Southerners will always call drinks with carbonation "Coke". Accept it and move on.
6. There will always be required courses in college that you will never use in your life. Accept it and move on.
7. It will generally take a girl longer to get over crush than it will a guy. Accept it and move on.
8. A girl's friends will encourage the least rational thing, especially when it concerns a guy. Accept it and move on.
9. Someone will always want to date you, unless they get married or you discover that you're 8th cousins or less. Accept it and move on.
10. Someone will always like you one day and be mad at you the next. Accept it and move on.
11. If there are two sides to the argument, I'm always right until otherwise stated. Accept it and move on.

2004-01-21T08:07:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like you're just not good enough, you're not skinny enough, you're not smart enough, you're not funny enough, you're not comforting enough, just not enough? And then you feel that there are other people around you that are better at everything, smarter, louder, more argumentative, more comforting, more supportive, funnier, more athletic, more intellectual, just more? It's kind of like Eeyore. All the other characters are better than him at everything. So all that's left for Eeyore is to be the sad, unneeded donkey that everyone pities. You know why he's sad? Because everyone pities him and no one needs him. Eeyore's a donkey, an animal that was created to be used. But all the other characters do everything, making there no need for Eeyore. So he's sad because he can't do what he was made to do. He has no purpose in life, at all. So people pity him. DON'T MAKE ME YOUR EEYORE!!! I don't want your pity. I simply want to feel needed. If you don't need me, just tell me. Yes, I might resent you the rest of my life, but I'll be okay, I've gone through it before. I'd rather know that I'm not needed than so I can move on than stay and be the person everyone pities because there's no use for her. Sure, I guess part of it's my fault for closing down and becoming cold. But wouldn't you close down and become cold when the most tragic thing in your life feels like it's happening all over again?

2003-12-01T20:04:00.000-08:00

Things to do when meeting your girlfriends eccentric family (inspired by Bob the builder)

1. Say please and thank you
2. chew with your mouth closed
3. buy into everything that her family is feeding you unless
it has to do with The Wall of Tolerance
4. Do not your strong desire for beer
5. If a cousin asks where a bar is, just say you've never
heard of it
6. If the cousins that are brothers act gay and incest, just
grin and bare it (there not really by the way)
7. Intervene with spastic comments when ever there is
awkard silence
8. Laugh at EVERYTHING, even if you've seen that episode
of Friends before
9. Kiss up to the parents because the siblings will make
fun of you no matter what
10. Most importantly, do not tell you girlfriend that your
mom gave you a list of things to do and not to do or
you will be mocked

2003-11-05T11:57:00.000-08:00

it's a sad day of realization for you when you sit down to watch cartoons and you've already seen that episode of dextar's laboratory, twice! it's even more sad when you settle for watching rugrats. and people wonder why i'm so weird. not acknowledging that you're weird is worse than embracing it whole-heartedly. because if everyone was "normal", how boring would that be?

2003-11-04T19:05:00.000-08:00

the method in which people approach relationships with a love interest can be explained as the same way they approach the waves in the sea. some people dive right in getting head deep going after every way they possibly can and every now and then riding a good one in all the way; but they all end. others sit out a little away from shore occasionally riding a wave in for a brief moment but always looking for that exact perfect one; it'll never come. still some want to go in after a wave but they're too afraid and so they never get their toes wet because they're too afraid to get knocked under; everything involves a risk. some people will play in the waves a little while but then get out because they're perfectly content to sit on the beach watching others; nothing will happen is you just sit there. and still there are other people that are holding on to one particular wave determined that it's going to be the one wave perfect for them to ride all the way in; the perfect one could be right behind you if you'd just let this one go and look around. how are you going to catch your wave?