I'm Not Becoming a Hypochondriac

This past week qualifies as the most stressful week that I had since the last time I was receiving rejection letters from pharmacy school. And, if you really know me (besides from reading these blogs, since they obviously portray me as being angry, jealous, and bitter towards the world), then you should know that I don't get stressed easily. I am normally a fairly easy-going person (noticed that "fairly" was used instead of "completely"). But due to my persistence at attending class and some how paying attention, I am able to rationalize my stress in a biological manner. You see, in endocrinology, we began studying the adrenal glands and their effect on cortisol (you know, that diet pill commercial for "cortislim" that magically makes you shrinks by reducing cortisol when you're stressed). Well, today I must have grown another person due to the amounts of cortisol that must have been released if it was proportional to the stress. My teacher listed today triggers of stress, and out of 14 "stressors", this is how many I had this week:
1. anxiety, especially from exams --- note: I had three tests, four quizzes, and a lab due this week
2. personal conflicts --- debating on whether I truly want to know that this guy has no interest in me, or if I'd rather just live in fantasy land and think he secretly longs for me
3. physical stress, restraining a person --- we had self-defense simulations where we had to get away from cops in padding; yes, this was slightly fun to legally get to beat up a cop, but a slightly nerve racking and my arms were sore for two days where he grabbed me wrist.
4. chemical --- well being female, who knows what chemicals are being transported throughout our bodies
5. social conflicts --- there has been so much things scheduled in the "greek world" this week, even though I didn't go to half of them, I still feel bad that I didn't go and kind of wanted to go
6. changes in lifestyle --- (okay, well this one was stretched slightly) slowly realizing that I have to work my butt off to make the grades to pass my classes in order to graduate in the spring, while my fellow students can go out every other week day nights (not to even mention weekends) to bars and still earn a sheet of paper that is looked at as being equal to mine in the real world.... it's a little frustrating!
7. sorrow --- I mean, wouldn't you have sorrow if you had all of this and all of your other friends were going out making out with people and while all of your friends say every time you see them, "So, what's happen with this guy? Oh, I hope it works out for you"; when you know they're thinking "Oh, I hope it works out for you so that I don't feel guilty when I blow you off for this guy."
8. Fear --- (and yes, this one is completely unjustified and, yes, I can hear every single one of my friends response to this "You're just being stupid! I mean, she's 22-years-old! She can stay at a different guy's house every night if she wants to and you shouldn't care!" Well, maybe I'm just a more concerned friend than you're so-called "best friends".) I'm afraid for a friend.

* explanation for number 8 (in other words, this one's lengthy):
I have determined after last night that I don't think that I can ever have kids because they'll either be (1) hermits because I'll be too afraid to let them do anything with a chance that they might get hurt or (2) complete hoodlums when they rebel against my controlling nature. How did I decide this? Well, because I'm having "protective parent" syndrome with my best friend already. It's not that I don't want her to ever date, find a soul-mate, get married, and have kids that I can teach really annoying tricks to and spoil. I don't want her to have to go through all the other crap that comes with that. I don't want her to get hurt and I don't want her to do anything that she'll ever regret, even though both of these are normal progressions to life. She holds a pass relationship that I had over my head every time I even begin to mention anything about this, and I let her. Partly because I probably deserve it and partly because I'll always feel guilty about how crappy of I friend I was during that year. But what she doesn't know, is that year was probably one of the worst years I've had in my 21 years (when it probably should have been my best) and it's the reason that I am so afraid when she begins to like someone, and especially now that he likes her equally as much. I look back and I feel like that particular guy stole things from me that I can never get back. He drained me of sympathy that I used to have for people; he made me feel badly whenever I told him that something upset me, which could be why internalize emotions when I'm upset, especially upset with people; he pressured me into things (intentional or not, I don't know) that I will always regret; he screwed up the relationship that I had with my friends and my parents, which were both quite strong before; he made me feel like I didn't deserve anything better, and this is perhaps the reason that it took me six months to break-up with him (well, and the fear that I had that he would commit suicide because he was so emotionally unstable; I still catch myself subconsciously checking the obituaries every time I go home and this is not because I'm conceded; he was that unstable.) And so I let my best friend hang it over my head four years later, because I feel guilty for all of those things and get mad at myself every time I remember how crappy I was that year. But it rips me to shreds every time. And I don't want her to have these feeling. So I am afraid. I know I'm not her parents, or sibling, or even cousin, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the same amount of love for her as I do my biological sisters. So last night when she called at 11pm and told me where she was (which is the most detail I'll go into, because she'll probably kill me for even writing that), that whole year came back to me, and I remembered everything that I can't get back. And even though the text message said "i'm fine i promise", I thought the same thing during that dreadful year when I was being pressured into things I would later regret. And it took every fiber of resistance in my being to keep from IMing this guy with "If you hurt her in any way, if she sheds one tear because of you, I will hurt you and I have friends that will help me and you will regret it."

But fear is what's increasing my cortisol levels the most. Exams are over, for this week; I will probably never tell this guy that I'm madly in love with him, even without creasing book spines; self-defense and being a female are ending; right, like I really feel guilty for missing two events when I've put FOUR YEARS into this sorority; I really do like the fact that my degree will let me work with all kinds of bodily fluids instead of a computer and paper work; and by now I'm used to not being in a relationship when most of my friends are, the ability to be independent is something I pride myself in. But I don't ever think I'll stop being afraid things that can hurt my best friend. Crazy, I know, that I'm not afraid of things that can hurt me; but I can control the situations that occur in my life and that gives me a little piece of mind.

side note: endocrinology class has also convinced me that i have hypothyroidism. although, i will probably never go and find out for sure because blood tests are required for diagnosis and, then if i have accurately diagnosed myself, blood tests would need to be done every six months. and no one is sticking a needle in my arm to draw blood twice a year just to run tests unless i'm dying.