Didn't Matter

I thought it would matter. I didn't think that you would look at me the same way, after you found out how or who I used to be. But I knew that I had to tell you now. Before it got to be five years down the road and something slipped that I hadn't told you. Because really, there is no one else that would have told you. No one else here knows. How I used to go out to parties on the weekend, or to band parties. That my friends like to get me drunk because I was the funny one that liked to spout random facts of information or build beer pyramids. How I used to do these things and not thinking anything about it. Because everyone did. Or so I thought. Until I met you.

But it didn't matter. You were curious as to why. But you were really only concerned with if I still did it. Which you already knew that I don't. Except for the occasional glass of wine every few months or six. You were glad that I told you. It is an important part of what makes me who I am. But you kind of already knew what to expect. And so who I used to be doesn't matter to you. Because you know me now. Which makes me like you even more.

Mama Says I Have to Like Them

My sisters. I'm beginning to realize that what they say about how you get closer to your siblings as you get older is true. If you have asked me about my sisters when I was five, I probably would have something like: Dey's mean to me. Bef makes me do my chores and Becca scares me at night by hanging over the side of the bed and making weird faces. (I wasn't a very articulate five-year-old, but when your mama stills says "shocolate ships" for chocolate chips, what more do you expect?)

If you had asked me when I was 12, there probably wouldn't have been many more words: Well, Beth's real smart and Rebecca swims pretty fast. Beth's at school in Atlanta now and Rebecca gets to drive me everywhere, but that's okay, because we sometimes listen to fun music and go buy new cds to listen to.

By 15, I was entering that stage where you're cool to have older siblings that were in college or beyond: My sisters are kind of cool. I don't see them much, but that's okay, they bring me stuff occasionally.

At 18, I was getting a little better about trusting my sisters: My sisters are always complaining that I spend too much money,but they have told me that they would bail me out of jail if I ever needed it, and that way I wouldn't have to ever tell mama and daddy. (And yeah, okay, I did probably spend too much money, but I never had to have them bail me out of jail.)

I am now beginning to realize at 24, that my sisters are probably the best friends that I will ever have. They know everything that I've been through to get to where I am. They can give me advice or will just call because they are bored, on the drive home from somewhere stuck in traffic. But that's okay, they still ask about what's going on with me.

So even though, they still sit on top of me...will still threaten to poot on your head, and possibly follow through if you let them...punch you...try to hold your hand...tell mama things that you've done....make fun of boys that you like....and even give you a hickey, I'll still take them. I'll still call them for advice, or just because I'm bored, or new clothes, or to talk about the night before. Because I know that they will always be there, or will at least call back..eventually. Even if it is because mama said we have to like each other.

Note: I'm stuck in the airport...on Christmas day.... for five hours...and it sucks! Good thing I didn't wake up before 4am so I could be at home for most of the day. Grrr...!

Do Over

If I could have any day to do over again, I think I would choose today. Today has been one of the best days I have had in a very long time. Today I actually felt like myself, and relaxed, without all the anxiety and longing that I've recently felt.

I woke up in kind of a surreal moment, not really sure if Saturday night had actually happened or not. I watched probably 3 ABC Family movies today. I went to a nature conservatory with two friends and walked through the snow. I never knew snow covered trees could actually look like they do in movies. We walked one of my friend's dog, which made my roommate happy. We took pictures and, for the first time in probably years, I liked a picture of myself. I stepped out of my box and tried something I never thought I'd ever do (went cross-country skiing.) I finished Christmas shopping, well almost finished. I cleaned up my mess that had been building up all week, including the 7 pairs of shoes at the front door. I washed and folded my clothes. I even went to the grocery store and remembered to take the canned sodas out of my car before they exploded.

So I woke up smiling, hung out with people that I like without any pressure to be someone else, I tired something new, got exercise without even trying to, caught up on all the things I'd been putting off. But best of all, I was relaxed the entire day.

There's only one thing that I might consider not redoing: falling down three times while skiing....no, actually I wouldn't change that either. I kind of liked being helped up.

No Poisoned Needles for Me

For some reason, yesterday I had conversations that were relatively similar: one at work, and the other at home. The conversation at home was when the new Scope commercial came on (the one where the girl gets on the bus and smiles at the boy at the back of the bus, and fireworks start going off around his head and continue going off even when she gets closer.) Jessica kind of laughed and told me when that commercial came one while she was at home, her dad looked at her brother and said "Philip, that doesn't really happen." The second conversation occurred at work where one of my co-workers has decided that she is going to continues to travel to different places because she is determined that she is going to find the man of her dreams by some strange coincidence, like missing a plane or bumping into him on a train or stepping on his toe in line to get a ticket to go parachuting or something wildly outrageous like that. My co-worker is determined that her future love is going to be love-at-first-sight. She also decided that I should travel to lots of new places for the same reason.

Fifteen years ago, I would have said, "Great! That's awesome! Of course I'm going to meet my prince charming in some romantic way that I will be the envy of all my friends and so that my children will want to hear the story every night before they fall asleep." But that was fifteen years ago, or there abouts. And I realized yesterday that I want something different. Not to say that if something magical, love-at-first-sight, fireworks-go-off sort of thing does happen, I'll just brush it away. I'd take it and hopefully it would develop into something more. But I realized yesterday that I'd rather have a warm blanket, or a cozy fire over fireworks any day.

I would rather have someone that just makes me smile just by walking in the room. Someone that when I see them, I want to walk up to them and hold their hand or snuggle up to them, with no explanation needed. Someone that it's hard to stay mad at, not to say that I probably won't get mad at them at times. Someone that just makes you feel comfortable about who you are.

Sparks fade. There are days that I don't look good...at all...especially in the morning. There are days that I want to wear my pajamas all day long and not wash yesterday's make-up off my face even though the mascara is giving me 2-inches circles under my eyes. Fireworks probably will not be going off around his head on those days. But to be comfortable with someone means that those days are okay. Those days mean that I like you enough to truly be who I am.

So no, I don't really want to be the girl on the bus in the Scope commercial. I don't really want to be Sleeping Beauty and wait for my prince to come rescue me...well, okay, that whole getting stuck by a poisoned needle kind of did that in for me. I want the person that will wrap me in his arms and let me know that everything is okay. Like a big fluffy blanket in front of a fireplace when it's snowing outside.

Party in the Dressing Room

I can wear clothes from the Gap again! Woohoo! Party in the dressing room! Next stop, Ann Taylor....

Mysterious Ways

You are taught as a Christian that "God works in mysterious ways." And you think, sure, sure, He causes there to be fires to encourage new growth in the forest, and He does several things to keep the world okay, but do you ever think about how He does this on a personal level? I mean, in your everyday life? I don't usually, but this week was a little different.

After working any weekend, I have two days off either before or after that weekend. And most of the time, those two days I'm bored and go shopping far too much to try to make up for it, because everyone else I know is off working a normal 9-5 schedule and have regular things that they do every week.

The last two days I had off during the week I was not only bored but also slightly anxious. I was waiting from a reply to an e-mail...and yes, it was a reply from a boy. But nothing came. Nothing came Monday. And nothing was coming Tuesday. So being the typical, self-conscious boy-crazy girl that I tend to be, I started having a pity party.

Poor me...he doesn't like me....I'm never going to find anyone....I might as well go join the nuns on Assisi Heights now....why can't I lose weight faster, because then everything would work out fine....it's because I'm too pushy....it's because Beth got all the boobs in the family. Grrr....

When it was probably because he just hadn't checked his e-mail in a few days. I'm learning that boys do that.

So after having my pity party for a little while...well, okay, maybe two hours, I decided that I was being retarded and just needed to get out of the apartment which I hadn't done all day. And besides the movie Meet the Robinsons had just come out and a Disney movie always makes things better..oh, and I had enough points left for the day that I could get Chipotle on the way home, which rarely ever happens. So I went to Target and for some reason I chose to go to the new Target which is slightly further away that the older Target.

It was at Target that I realized that God works and mysterious ways...and must have a sense of humor. Because while still in my slightly pity-party mood, I came across a high schooler and his mother.....a high schooler that started checking me out and tried to flirt with me. Yep, I was checked out by a 15 year old. Which made me laugh, but surprisingly did cheer me up because I'm not the type of person that gets checked out that often.

That's how God worked in a mysterious way to say, hey, it's not you...you're perfect just the way I made you... there is a plan for you... so cheer up and get over yourself. But I still like to think that He was laughing at His great plan with a kind of eye-roll kind of laugh. Hey, you get what you asked for...it cheered you up.

Uncomfortable

Tonight I lost it. I blew up. Well, not so much as blew, more of threw a hissy fit. And I don't like throwing hissy fits. Wait, I take that back, since my sisters read this. I don't mind throwing hissy fits at home when my sisters cause them or when it's just to annoy them. Besides, I'm the baby, that's what we're suppose to do. But I don't like throwing hissy fits in a place where I am suppose to be professional. But when someone pushes you to where you are extremely uncomfortable, what are you suppose to do.

You see this person that I work with just makes me uncomfortable. Possibly because he doesn't grasp the concept of personal space. Possibly because he likes to lean right up against you. Possibly because he will go to dinner slightly after I do and sit with me, when all I want to do is sit there and read my book and be anti-social in the 30 minutes that I have to myself in the entire eight and a half hour stretch. Possible because it feels like he's hitting on you everyday even though he's married. But it's mostly the personal bubble.

Now don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind some, people invading my personal bubble, and when I say some I mean very few. But people that I work with and deal with in a professional manner are not in that few. I don't quite understand why people think that I'm a touchy-feely person. Maybe they think that southeners are touchy-feely or maybe it's because I'm Christian. I have actually had someone tell me to give them a hug because I am a Christian and "Christians like to hug people." News Flash: I AM NOT A TOUCHY-FEELY PERSON! I LIKE MY PERSONAL BUBBLE!!!

So I lost it. Just briefly. And I'm not sorry I did. Because no one invaded my personal space the rest of the night. I am glad that our lead tech was not there at the time, though. I just don't want to do it again.