Linus' Security Blanket

I am beginning to believe that everyone has a security blanket that they believes hides their true feelings and fears. Kind of like Linus' blue blanket (you know, Linus from Charlie Brown.. who Sally was in love with.) With his secruity blanket, Linus was a genius and could could do anything and could even put up with Sally's woefullness and could out-wit Lucy. But when Linus' blanket, he couldn't do anything; he was almost as careless as Charlie Brown.
Well, I've recently determined my security blanket: my baseball hat. It all started the last time I was sick (and I mean 103 degree fever sick for 5 days); my mama could look at my eyes and tell when my fever just broke or when I when I got a new one and felt awful. I know this might just be motherly instinct, but she one time when she was checking on me, she said "You're eyes just look so sad; there just so expressive." (or said something like that.) And I've learned that she was right because my daddy can tell when I come home and feel bad by looking at my eyes, or sometimes cynthia can tell when I've had a bad day or when I'm pissed off, even if I'm doing my best to hide it. I can change my facial expression so that you might think I'm in the best mood when I've really just had the worst day, as long as you can't see my eyes; if you can see the expression in my eyes, you can tell exactly what I'm thinking, because I can't manipulate it.
So my new security blanket, is my baseball cap. It hides my eyes from people, and thus hides my true feelings, espeically when I'm sad. Because, if I can hide when I'm sad, then I can control who knows and continue to fool others into believeing that I'm just wearing my hat because it's freakin' cute on me. And I'll get through the day.

*side note: my sisters are probably completely shocked that i wrote 3 blogs in 1 day and i can't imagine what comments they'll have on these blogs. but i had a lot on my mind today and couldn't concentrate on things i needed to without getting somethings out of my head. oh, and i had to find a new security blanket after LaLa went into the cedar chest.

Establishing My Individuality

I've had several things happen recently that has really made me stop and think: about who I am, about what I want to be, but mostly about what I believe. I realize that I am only 21-years-old and still have a lot of growing up to do, but I believe that I am slowly discovering who am truly am. So this is my list.. well, at least so far; I still have a lot of growing up to do.

I believe…
1. In the betterment of man. I believe that we can achieve to reach greater feats than we currently have.
2. In the good of people. I believe that everyone is naturally good natured; it is the events in people’s lives to turn them bitter and it is the actions they choose to take, as a consequence of those events (directly or indirectly), that make people “bad”.
3. The glass is half-full. But I also believe that some days the glass gets tipped over and it might take a little while to become half-full again.
4. There is a glass slipper for everyone. I just do not understand why you have to break a few to find the perfect fit.
5. You should always help someone, if they really need it, despite the how much it could cost, and especially if you’re the only one that can. But for the most part, people need to opportunity to find a way on their own, even if there is an easier path.
6. That people need each other. Even if you can live independently of a significant other, you will always need your friends and you will ALWAYS need your family. You will always need someone to pick you up and put you back on your feet when you fall.
7. The human body is the greatest creation ever made, with all of its intricate processes/pieces, even when some things go wrong.
8. Everyone deserves a second chance if they’ve learned from their mistakes.
9. You are given hints every now-and-then to help you on your way. It is your choice to follow them or not.
10. You must have some sense of self. You must know what you truly believe in because without that, you don’t really know who you are. But you should also be open to other’s beliefs.
11. You should always aspire for more. Never stop learning. However, be satisfied with your material possessions and the things you already have learned.
12. True love does exist. I believe that there is that perfect person for everyone; they’re just a little harder to find for some.
13. You can never know or understand all the secrets of the world. And you should graciously accept something beyond your understanding with amazement, instead of being defeated in frustration.
14. I will never face any true trials in my life. There will always be someone in the world that has it harder than I ever will.
15. Some situations do need sympathy, but there are many more that need encouragement to get through them.
16. Everyone does have a time to finish their life on earth and that it is pre-determined without our input. But it does not mean you should do things outrageously dangerous; it’s not your golden ticket to be reckless.
17. You should unselfishly impact at least one person in your lifetime. This will be what fulfills your life.
18. There is a higher being that lets us live our lives and make mistakes but gives us a little push every so often. I also believe that it ultimately protects us, if we allow it.
19. People from our pass, that truly loved us, are watching over us and still love us.
20. People make mistakes. And this is what really teaches us how to be better. Error is human destiny. But, I also believe in “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”
21. You have to let things go sometimes. Don’t hold onto a dream that your subconscious is telling you won’t come true.
22. People contradict themselves everyday. But, somewhere in their logic, it all makes sense, whether someone else understands it or not.
23. Marriage is sacred and should not be considered lightly.
24. There is a reason why each of us are here.
25. You can change the world, if you really want to. You could mean the world to one person and that could be the only part of the world that you’re suppose to better.
26. You should accept people for who they are as long as they are being the best they can be. And that you should strive to have a positive impact on almost everyone you meet.
27. Nothing is ever settled with violence. Violence is simply a method of prolonging a resolution irrationally. It solves nothing.
28. Sometimes you just need to be alone, either to clear your mind or to realize what you really have.
29. Change is hard but inevitable.
30. Everyone will always have thoughts/moments of a 5-year-old, a 10-year-old, and a 13-year-old even when their 110-years-old.
31. No matter how irresponsible you want to be, everyone feels responsibility to someone.
32. Laughter is the best medicine. You should laugh everyday. You should also be able to laugh at yourself and your mistakes.
33. In punctuality. You’ll never be happy if you are continuously play catch-up with your life.
34. Sometimes you just have to let your hair down and jump without thinking about it. Take chances.
35. People will always give you advice or tell you things that you don’t want to hear. And you will continue to ask other people’s opinions until you hear what you want to hear.
36. You should always sing, regardless on what you sound like. A song an change your mood in a instant if you sing it loud enough.

Odd One Out

Growing up I've always known that I was sligtly different than the rest of my family. (Which is a little scary in itself considering the odd personality traits that run in my family.) Out of the five people in my family (my parents, two sisters, and me) I was the only one with blue eyes. There used to be little wooden ginger-bread looking figurines above out kitchen door and they went in order from my dad, to my mom, to Beth (my oldest sister), to Rebecca (my middle sister), to me. And the first four figurines all had the same brown eyes, but the last one was different: it had bright blue eyes. I can remember looking up from studying at the kitchen table when I was little and smiling at the figurines because mine was different, I was different. But I recently learned something that makes me wonder if I inherited all of my parents' recessive genes. I recently learned that I am the only person, again out of 5 people, that has "O" blood type.
A little history for people that don't know anything about blood types, "A" blood type and "B" blood type are both dominate (when together they are co-dominate) meaning, if you have that gene, you'll be that blood type. But if you don't have the "A" blood group or "B" blood group genes (or we'll say have the recessive gene of "O"), you're considered to have type "O" blood. Well, first learned that both my sisters have type "A" blood, then I learned that both my parents have type "A" blood. So since both my parents have A blood and I somehow ended up with type "O", this means that my parents must be heterozygous for type "A" blood (they're both AO).
So I've decided that nature was against me even in the beginning. What are the chances that I would be the only person to get multiple recessive genes from my parents? There is a mathematical and scientific way to discover this, I'm sure, taking into consideration random selection, independent segregation, independent assortment, and the punnett square, but that's beyond me; so we'll just say that it's about a 15% chance.
My dad's comment on this was "Yeah, I'm going to figure out who he was one of these days." (being the bitingly-sarcastic individual that he is). I looked at him and said "Right. Since strangers off the street have looked at me before, when I was alone and said 'You're a Cleaveland, aren't you?'" So, if I wasn't a very attractive female equivalent of my dad (I'm not talking about a she-man looking type person, so get that image out of your head), there might have been some questioning for the mail-man.. but wait that was my dad at about the time I was conceived/born too!

Smug

It has been a long time coming, but finally in my last semester at Auburn, I understand what's going on in my classes. It makes sense that if your serum reacts with "A1" cells then you have "B" blood type, and that insulin attaches to your cells which is what allows the glucose to go in so that glycogen stores increase, and that allergies are an hypersensitivity response mediated mostly by mast cells and basophils. It just makes sense to me. Well, it doesn't quite make sense to everyone in my classes, which is unfortunate in classes that consists on 20 people or less. A few (mainly 2 or 3) of the people in my class already think I'm a little sorority snob... I don't think it's because I've ever done anything to them... I've never been rude... I've never acted like I was better than they are because I'm in a sorority... I've never acted like I was rich, or have money to blow... sometimes I'm nicer to them than actual friends. But they still think I'm snob, or at least that's the impression they give. Well now, since I've begun to finally understand everything, I get the impression that they think I'm a smug know-it-all, which I might act like, but I really don't mean to. I simply answer the questions that our teacher asks us, I challenge things that don't make sense, I figure out which antibody is in the serum faster than anyone else, and I do make higher on the test, quizzes, and lab reports than most everyone else. But all of this isn't because I'm a smug know-it-all, it's because I'm a dork that likes the subject and studies constantly. This might come as a surprise to some, but I'm not a born genius... I'm simply a dork that has nothing better to do with her time. And they're making me feel bad that I understand it and actually study the material almost every night (okay, well every-other night) and sometimes it feels they want me to apologize to them for answering the questions. But I'm not going to apologize because I work my butt off to understand. I'm not going to apologize because I don't go out every other night like they do. And I'm not going to apologize that I'm slightly anal retentive and a perfectionist when it comes to doing class work. It's their fault that they haven't prioritized the things in their life to make better grades, because they're all (well, okay, most of them) are capable of making the same thing that I do. So, I'm going to continue to be smug and answer all the questions, and occassionally correct my teacher when she gets confused with the logic of antibody screening (now, that sounds a little smuggish). Because one day when after I graduate with better grades than they do and understand and remember what we learned, I'm going to be the director of the lab that they are working for and then I might just stick up my nose and be smug. Because I've decided that I can't change what they think of me. They will always think that I'm a smug know-it-all sorority snob. So, I might as well live up to their expectations!

So True, It's Scary

After receiving the grade from my extremely hard immunology test back from last week, I decided that I could avoid studying and "play" on the internet for a little while. Oh, and it's because I made a 98 on my test... yes, I know, aspiring genius... feel free to applaud. Well I found one of those sites (from a friends AIM profile) that you answer a few questions and it tells you the true personality of you subconscious or the way you should seduce people or what Disney character you really are (I was Peter Pan by the way... there must be an error in that quiz because it should have come out as Cinderella.) Well, below are my results to a few of them. It's scary because some of the things are true: i.e. in the first one, I do have a good work ethic, I am a perfectionist, I have had a checklist of my ideal mate since childhood, and I am a bit shy when I begin to flirt with someone. The second one is just to prove to my friends that I really am normal and have evidence to prove it now. And the third one is because I'd love to go to Italy, if anyone wants to take the hint and pay for a poor college student's vacation to Italy.



Virgo - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:
* You're incredibly thoughtful and able to give your partner what they need most.
* You are totally logical. You can deal with problems without involving your emotions.
* A good work ethic. You'll do whatever it takes (within reason) to make your relationship work.

Your negative traits:
* Sometimes you are so focused on your goals that you let your relationships suffer
* You tend to be a perfectionist - and expect perfection from your mate as well
* You are picky. So picky that you rather be single than with someone who has a few minor faults.

Your ideal partner:
* Values success in life as much as you do
* Fits a checklist of qualities you've been looking for since childhood
* Like you, is more practical and realistic than romantic

Your seduction style:
* You may seem a bit shy, but once you open up to someone - you're totally uninhibited
* You like to set the scene first - candles, music, nice sheets

Tips for the future:
* Soften up a little. Vulnerability is sexy - and feels great over time.
* Lower your standards a little. Look past a messy desk or someone being five minutes late.
* Praise your partner more. You make expect them to be successful, but complements are still appreciated.

Best color to attract mate:
* Navy blue

Best day for a date:
* Wednesday


How Normal Are You?
You Are 60% Normal(Really Normal)
* Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal
* You're like most people most of the time
* But you've got those quirks that make you endearing
* You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

Who's Your Inner European?
Your Inner European is Italian!
* Passionate and colorful.
* You show the world what culture really is.

I'm Not Becoming a Hypochondriac

This past week qualifies as the most stressful week that I had since the last time I was receiving rejection letters from pharmacy school. And, if you really know me (besides from reading these blogs, since they obviously portray me as being angry, jealous, and bitter towards the world), then you should know that I don't get stressed easily. I am normally a fairly easy-going person (noticed that "fairly" was used instead of "completely"). But due to my persistence at attending class and some how paying attention, I am able to rationalize my stress in a biological manner. You see, in endocrinology, we began studying the adrenal glands and their effect on cortisol (you know, that diet pill commercial for "cortislim" that magically makes you shrinks by reducing cortisol when you're stressed). Well, today I must have grown another person due to the amounts of cortisol that must have been released if it was proportional to the stress. My teacher listed today triggers of stress, and out of 14 "stressors", this is how many I had this week:
1. anxiety, especially from exams --- note: I had three tests, four quizzes, and a lab due this week
2. personal conflicts --- debating on whether I truly want to know that this guy has no interest in me, or if I'd rather just live in fantasy land and think he secretly longs for me
3. physical stress, restraining a person --- we had self-defense simulations where we had to get away from cops in padding; yes, this was slightly fun to legally get to beat up a cop, but a slightly nerve racking and my arms were sore for two days where he grabbed me wrist.
4. chemical --- well being female, who knows what chemicals are being transported throughout our bodies
5. social conflicts --- there has been so much things scheduled in the "greek world" this week, even though I didn't go to half of them, I still feel bad that I didn't go and kind of wanted to go
6. changes in lifestyle --- (okay, well this one was stretched slightly) slowly realizing that I have to work my butt off to make the grades to pass my classes in order to graduate in the spring, while my fellow students can go out every other week day nights (not to even mention weekends) to bars and still earn a sheet of paper that is looked at as being equal to mine in the real world.... it's a little frustrating!
7. sorrow --- I mean, wouldn't you have sorrow if you had all of this and all of your other friends were going out making out with people and while all of your friends say every time you see them, "So, what's happen with this guy? Oh, I hope it works out for you"; when you know they're thinking "Oh, I hope it works out for you so that I don't feel guilty when I blow you off for this guy."
8. Fear --- (and yes, this one is completely unjustified and, yes, I can hear every single one of my friends response to this "You're just being stupid! I mean, she's 22-years-old! She can stay at a different guy's house every night if she wants to and you shouldn't care!" Well, maybe I'm just a more concerned friend than you're so-called "best friends".) I'm afraid for a friend.

* explanation for number 8 (in other words, this one's lengthy):
I have determined after last night that I don't think that I can ever have kids because they'll either be (1) hermits because I'll be too afraid to let them do anything with a chance that they might get hurt or (2) complete hoodlums when they rebel against my controlling nature. How did I decide this? Well, because I'm having "protective parent" syndrome with my best friend already. It's not that I don't want her to ever date, find a soul-mate, get married, and have kids that I can teach really annoying tricks to and spoil. I don't want her to have to go through all the other crap that comes with that. I don't want her to get hurt and I don't want her to do anything that she'll ever regret, even though both of these are normal progressions to life. She holds a pass relationship that I had over my head every time I even begin to mention anything about this, and I let her. Partly because I probably deserve it and partly because I'll always feel guilty about how crappy of I friend I was during that year. But what she doesn't know, is that year was probably one of the worst years I've had in my 21 years (when it probably should have been my best) and it's the reason that I am so afraid when she begins to like someone, and especially now that he likes her equally as much. I look back and I feel like that particular guy stole things from me that I can never get back. He drained me of sympathy that I used to have for people; he made me feel badly whenever I told him that something upset me, which could be why internalize emotions when I'm upset, especially upset with people; he pressured me into things (intentional or not, I don't know) that I will always regret; he screwed up the relationship that I had with my friends and my parents, which were both quite strong before; he made me feel like I didn't deserve anything better, and this is perhaps the reason that it took me six months to break-up with him (well, and the fear that I had that he would commit suicide because he was so emotionally unstable; I still catch myself subconsciously checking the obituaries every time I go home and this is not because I'm conceded; he was that unstable.) And so I let my best friend hang it over my head four years later, because I feel guilty for all of those things and get mad at myself every time I remember how crappy I was that year. But it rips me to shreds every time. And I don't want her to have these feeling. So I am afraid. I know I'm not her parents, or sibling, or even cousin, but that doesn't mean I don't feel the same amount of love for her as I do my biological sisters. So last night when she called at 11pm and told me where she was (which is the most detail I'll go into, because she'll probably kill me for even writing that), that whole year came back to me, and I remembered everything that I can't get back. And even though the text message said "i'm fine i promise", I thought the same thing during that dreadful year when I was being pressured into things I would later regret. And it took every fiber of resistance in my being to keep from IMing this guy with "If you hurt her in any way, if she sheds one tear because of you, I will hurt you and I have friends that will help me and you will regret it."

But fear is what's increasing my cortisol levels the most. Exams are over, for this week; I will probably never tell this guy that I'm madly in love with him, even without creasing book spines; self-defense and being a female are ending; right, like I really feel guilty for missing two events when I've put FOUR YEARS into this sorority; I really do like the fact that my degree will let me work with all kinds of bodily fluids instead of a computer and paper work; and by now I'm used to not being in a relationship when most of my friends are, the ability to be independent is something I pride myself in. But I don't ever think I'll stop being afraid things that can hurt my best friend. Crazy, I know, that I'm not afraid of things that can hurt me; but I can control the situations that occur in my life and that gives me a little piece of mind.

side note: endocrinology class has also convinced me that i have hypothyroidism. although, i will probably never go and find out for sure because blood tests are required for diagnosis and, then if i have accurately diagnosed myself, blood tests would need to be done every six months. and no one is sticking a needle in my arm to draw blood twice a year just to run tests unless i'm dying.